A new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could
hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The
monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put
a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
So the next Sunday, he took
the monsignor`s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took
a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after
mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don`t
gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples,
not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his
donkey; he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the
late J.C. 7) The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit
out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don`t say he was stoned off his ass. 10) We do not refer to the cross as the
"Big T." 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and eat it for it is my body......." He did not say, "Eat me." 12) The
Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry." 13) The recommended grace
before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub, Thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14) Next
Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter`s, not a peter
pulling contest at St. Taffy`s.
