"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was
only trying to retrieve the Gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in
the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual
partner Andrew (Kiki) Farnom, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a
felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his
rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki
shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve
Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a
match, thinking that the light might attract him."
At a hushed press
conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match
ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting
Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the
gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further
up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski
suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil,
while Farnom suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower
intestinal tract.
TOP 11 SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY
11. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum." - Good start.
10.
"As usual,Kiki shouted out "Armageddon" - They do this frequently? (Or, at least
they have done this more than once).
9. "So I peered into the tube." -
I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use
binoculars to stare at the sun.
8. The poor gerbil (who obviously
suffers from low self esteem) being shot out out the guy's ass like Rocky the
Flying Squirrel.
7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched
out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil
was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's tunnel of love.
6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in
their rectums.
5. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people
are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.
4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the
burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever
take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of a burning anus
must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for:
"Idiotic men who shove rodents up their butts."
2. What kind of hospital
would hold a press conference on this?
1. People who do this kind of
thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room.
Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving,
pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a
charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just
can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well Doc, it's like this. You see
we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube...
Editors note: This is an urban legend. No such case exists
anywhere on any hospital files. Of course, they just may not want to admit
it... The article was read out on a US radio station by a newsreader who
found it rather amusing. You can here the clip on this
site
along with some other great funny radio
moments!
