The Rules of Monster Movies

Posted in Other Funny on October, 30 2006 10:59 PM

Here are some things I've learned from Godzilla, Gamera, Star Wars, etc.

-Any animal which isn't a human will grow 50 times its size when exposed to some sort of radiation.

-If some exotic pet escapes from its cage, it will likewise grow to immense proportions.

-No matter what city you're in, the streets are always wide enough so that giant monsters could walk on it.

-Many monsters, even machines, are somehow depicted in ancient myths.

-It takes only a few seconds to pick a name for an unknown giant monster.

-If a monster is evil, it has enough energy to spout an infinite number of energy beams from its mouth. If it's a good guy, it can only shoot at most 2 energy beams before it nearly collapses of exhaustion.

-A monster's energy beam can effortlessly destroy a huge, heavily armored robot, but takes 5 seconds to shoot through buildings.

-No matter where you are, there's always a clearing big enough for almost a dozen monster to rumble in.

-Giant flowers are always a problem. They'll either blow up in a mile wide explosion, or they'll mutate into vine-whipping, acid-spitting atrocities.

-It takes all the electricity in a city to power a handful of tanks.

-The power of a missle is inversly proportional to how much you talk about its "capabilities".

-Aliens wear pimped out jackets and know martial arts.

-If there's an object you need to destroy quickly, it will always have a near-inpenetrable energy sheild.

-When you see an ordinary building and its name pops up in the subtitles, the building will be destroyed in about 15 minutes.

-When fighting monsters, the infantry soldiers always carry machine guns.

-If you have a strange looking lightsaber, you are one of the most powerful Jedi in the galaxy.

-Tiny spaceships never get destroyed. Huge kilometer-wide starships will be destroyed in a matter of minutes.

-A pistol is enough to kill a horde of man-sized creatures.

-Anything with wings or an extra body cavity can fly.

-People will always leave their homes with the lights on.

-Monsters can stand knee-high in the middle of the sea.

-In order to swim, monsters only need to bob their bodies up and down.

-A big drill can pierce right through armor. Nuclear beams can't.

-Red energy beams are hotter and more powerful than blue or white beams.

-Any monster which has more than one energy beam will be nearly impossible to kill.

-A shell can withstand energy beams but not missles.

-No matter what, the hot female character will always hang out with the ugly geek.

-Global warming doesn't melt ice caps or change the weather. It instead causes giant eggs to hatch or animals to go crazy.

-Any attack that has a whirly sound effect will hurt like crap.

-Flimsy towers can easily support giant insects or birds.

-Energy beams can be shot from the mouth, eyes, hands, nose, chest, knees, and wings.

-If someone constructs a weapon but accidentally shoots it at the "good guy" monster, it will prove lethal.

-If you have wings or more than one head, it takes over 3 monsters to beat you, and over 11 monsters to actually kill you.

-All military facilities have a screen which shows a perfect picture of the attacking monsters.

-Repairing a heavily damaged, 40 story robot takes a week.


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2885 days ago lonto posted

I have very little patience for writing, but I am a reader. Your article has made me think about the points you make in it.

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