1. "It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it
2. "The trouble with heart disease is that the first symptom is often hard to
deal with - sudden death."
3. "I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding
to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the
top of her head to the tag on her toes."
4. "For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but
phone calls taper off."
5. "A grave is a place where the dead are laid to await the coming of the
6. "If your time hasn't come, not even a doctor can kill you."
7. "At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the
obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."
8. "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it
through not dying."
9. "There are three natural anaesthetics: Sleep, fainting, and death."
Oliver Wendell Holmes
10. "Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
11. "Dying is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have
nothing to do with it."
12. "At my age flowers scare me."
13. "There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an
evening with an insurance salesman?"
14. "Death is just nature's way of telling you to slow down."
15. "They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes
me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days."
16. "The report of my death was an exaggeration."
17. "I don't mind dying, the trouble is you feel so bloody stiff the next
18. "It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead your made for
19. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world,
I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all
those flies and death and stuff."
20. "Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate."
21. "My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What
are you looking at?"
22. "I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to
23. "On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as
easily lying down."
24. "Picasso was a delightful, kindly, friendly, simple little man. When I
met him he was extremely excited and overjoyed that his mother-in-law had just
died, and he was looking forward to the funeral."
25. "I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased
to be anywhere."
26. "My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."
27. "My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two
of them were just napping."
28. "When I came back to Dublin I was court-martialed in my absence and
sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence."
29. "The court was not previously aware of the prisoner's many
accomplishments. In view of these, we see fit to impose the death penalty."
30. "When you've told someone that you've left them a legacy the only decent
thing to do is to die at once."