Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for
better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy
measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be
the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant,
providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves
represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their
romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore
eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all,
everyone loves the French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an
automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway
to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they
talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious
metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in
order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer
be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose
per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let
go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure
management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The
seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their
function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current
swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their
outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been
under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is
being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no
upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try
a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always
been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow
older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill.
The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the
Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are
significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of
the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on
new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the
bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people,
fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that
stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in
one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by
the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession
("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may
be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board
will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven
dwarfs is the right number.
