A series of Email announcements about an Office Christmas Party.  Enjoy.....

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on  December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the
Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a
small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over
$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This
gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by
our CEO at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.  However,
from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or
those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas
tree present.  No Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other
types of music for your enjoyment.  Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ...  you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed
to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the
union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe
$10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Sincerely
Patty.

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours.  There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how
a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees' beliefs.

Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end
of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in a
little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the restrooms.  Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do
not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table.  Yes,
there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing
allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.  We cannot control
the salt used in the food.  We suggest for those people with high blood
pressure to taste first.  There will be fresh fruits as dessert for
Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.  Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$ing Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party

Vegetarians?!?!?!?  I've had it with you people!!!  We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*!  salad bar, including
organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice
them. I've heard them scream.  I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday!  Drive drunk and die, you hear
me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

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