Computers work using a system known as binary. This, as the name suggests, means that they consist of lots of bits and bytes and rams and things all chucked into a metal case with a green light stuck on the front with a bit of chewing gum. (NB: Some machines have a red light on the front. This is a sign that they are defective and must be immediately returned to the manufacturer with a violently worded demand for a refund.)

Even though that brief overview left you sitting there thinking "WOW! now I know everything there is to know about computers!", we are going to reinforce your newly found genius by looking at how they work in greater detail. Because we want to, and there isn't anything you can do about it (insane laughter "ha ha ha " etc.). Despite what you may think, your computer is just a machine and cannot hurt you, unless it falls on you from an upstairs window or you get your face caught in the printer or cooling fan or something.

The most important component in a computer is fast becoming known as the MMX. This stands for Mouse Mat, with an X on the end to make it sound all technical and important (like with "Playstation", "Malcolm" or "Bacon and"). The mouse mat contains thousands of micro-logic circuits which calculate little things known as "binary stuff". Once calculatorized, the "binary stuff" is sent via cables, or airmail, to a less important component called the processor or CPU (the P stands for processor and the C and U don't mean anything). A processor is a little flat thing mad of solid black plastic.

You may think that a "hard drive" is London to Manchester in under 3 hours, or straight onto the green on a par 4, but it is in fact a hard thing that lives inside your computer whether you like it or not. A bit like a squatter. This disk (as it is now safe to call it, as we can categorically confirm that yes, it is indeed a disk) stores a sticky plasticine like substance, known as data, until it is needed. It is normally needed when you wish to save information from your computer, which is done by forcing fluffy jelly babies to make imprints in the squidgyness with their bare hands. The "Hard Drive" is an internal component of your PC, it has no user serviceable parts inside, the jelly babies are NOT edible, and it can not be removed as any attempt will result in the breakdown of the fabric of the space/time continuum, severe enough to cause total destruction, annihilation and vegetarianism in the universe as we know it, unless you're a qualified repair man.

A floppy drive is just like a hard drive except for the fact that it is floppy, ie. It's a floppy hard drive. What once was hard is now floppy, hardness begat floppiness. To insert a floppy disk into the floppy drive, both items must be strengthened with wooden splints as excess floppiness could be hazardous in an unventilated room. Floppy disks have been designed by major manufacturers as a cost effective method of transmitting unwanted viruses.

The hamster is a small device, usually found on top of the mouse mat, attached to the computer by a small cable. It is, for obvious reasons, named a hamster (because of it's preference for dried sunflower seeds and running around in a little wheel). The primary function of the hamster is to give you something furry to hold onto with your right hand when using the computer.

The LED is there so that you can see in the dark when using your computer at night. It also doubles as a torch. If you are going out at night then you can take your PC with you to guide your path in the evil darkness. The LED is essentially an essential household essential and makes re-mortgaging the house to buy a PC all seem worthwhile.

CD-ROMs are a waste of money and a con. No PC worth it's weight in breakfast cereal free gifts should have one. They are only installed to provide a few minutes of entertainment for the user, who watches the draw open and close electronically and apparently by magic. If you really do need CD access on your PC then just glue a cheap Hi-Fi to the front and install a copy of "Microsoft - I've just sellotaped my stereo to my computer", widely available on CD-ROM.

A monitor is a telly, not a very good one though, since you can't get satellite or cable (or telly). This problem was discovered only after production had begun, and custom jelly moulds had been manufactured, so at present there is little they can do to rectify the problem, although a software upgrade may be in the pipeline.

The sound card is a thin sheet of cardboard. No-one has been able to determine why, but when this cardboard is inserted into a computer it emits exactly the required sounds at exactly the required times. Convenient.

All computers have to have a certain amount of memory. This is available in two format's: RAMs or ROMs, and which you choose is down to personal preference. A lot of people will make jokes about 8 RAM being 8 male sheep, but these people are stupid and have no sense of humour. To set the record straight: 8 RAM is not 8 male sheep, but four male sheep. They are internally doubled by the processor. That's what DX2 stands for. The "D" is the ancient something word for sheep, the "X" is the symbol for multiply and the "2" means 2 (as 2 usually does). These sheep are plugged into the motherboards S.I.M.M. sockets (Sheep Interface Memory Module). Female sheep are not normally used for memory due to their tendency to overheat and explode. Experts believe they have solved this problem with the introduction of E.D.O. (ewes don't overheat) RAM.