Many would say that the advent of air travel is one of the greatest
technological achievements of the twentieth century, alongside toasters and
Jacuzzis. The taking of this view however, exposes a common misconception and
one we shall forthwith try to explore.
The humble beginnings of air travel
As we all know, man's ability to fly was first harnessed by an ancient Greek
mythological figure bloke, called Icarus who, while stranded on an island,
discovered that, by covering himself in feathers, jumping off a cliff and
flapping his arms about, man begot the ability to fly, without the need of a
microlight.
Passenger Flights
It is due to these that the afore mentioned misconception occurs, as chartered
passenger flights were not made successful until the twentieth century. Icarus,
full name Icarus Branson, had attempted a passenger service, under the name of
"Haditoff Atlantic", but had found it too difficult to single-handedly carry
upwards of 400 people on his back while simultaneously trying to distribute
plastic trays of food and serve them all with their choice of tea coffee and an
after dinner mint. And so Icarus gave up on the idea and it laid dormant for
thousands of years.
But, many years later, when the twentieth century finally arrived, Icarus's
idea was rediscovered. A clever chap, who didn't have a name, realised what
Icarus had been doing wrong. Instead of covering himself in feathers, jumping
off a cliff, flapping his arms about and having the problem of serving the 400
passengers with food, tea, coffee and after dinner mints, Icarus could have just
used a big aeroplane with lots of seats in it and a team of trained chipmunks to
serve the passengers. The clever chap patented the idea and made lots of money.
His blueprint for passenger flights has remained pretty much unchanged ever
since, except, maybe, for the chipmunks, and is now followed by so called
"Airlines" the world over.
Travelling on an airline
The average airline trip can, and does, consist of a number of events. Following
is a list of the most common of these events in their most common order in a
most common sub-heading format.
Boarding - This is when you get on board the plane. All passengers queue
up with their "Boarding Passes" and are admitted, one by one, on to the plane.
When you reach the front of the queue and announcement will be made
stating that "For passenger convenience we shall be boarding the plane by seat
number" followed by something to the tune of "will all passengers at the front
of the 300 metre queue please swap places with the people at the back of it". It
is advisable to bring a snack and a drink along for the wait, although a
ground-sheet, sleeping bag and tent can often be preferable.
Taxiing to runway - This is the process of the plane being "driven" to
the end of the runway, ready for takeoff, although, more commonly, it is the
process of the plane being driven round and round in circles and then missing
it's "takeoff slot" because the pilot was having too much fun.
Takeoff* - It is at this point you are told to do up your seat belt,
and the cabin crew start clinging to the carpet, ready for the plane to be
disconnected from the ground. Ground disconnection is achieved by the plane
going really quite fast and then jumping. At this point the aeroplane is no
longer on the ground, and will continue to not be on the ground until it is
again. The plane climbs to an average height of approximately 2 metres, before
levelling off for the journey's duration.
Safety Demonstration* - When you are obviously trapped, and unable to
get away, the cabin crew will take great delight in the chance to fill you in on
the exciting world of aircraft emergency procedures. This is when they tell you
a) to curl up into a ball if the plane goes into a vertical dive towards the
ground, and b) there is a lifejacket, with matching whistle, situated under your
seat. It is believed that passenger planes carry lifejackets due to a world-wide
supply mix-up made in the 1930's. This theory is reinforced by the fact that a
number of ocean liners carry large quantities of parachutes. This is also the
point at which the cabin crew tell you where the doors are, just in case you
entered the plane via a sci-fi style matter-transference beam, and not a door.
Food* - About 10 minutes after the plane has finished climbing, the
airline meal will be ready for serving. About half an hour after this the cabin
crew will start serving the aircraft meal as slowly as they can. Within several
hours or ten you will a) receive your meal, b) the aircraft will begin it's
descent, and c) the cabin crew will do you a favour by taking the rubber /
plastic meal fabrication away again before you make the mistake of consuming it.
Landing* - This is the inevitable point at which the plane lands i.e.
reconnects with the ground. It can also be referred to as crashing, and, as
such, can happen between or during any of the previous stages.
Disembarking* - Opposite to boarding. Also the opposite to
"embarking", but that wasn't the word we used earlier, and if you want to make
anything of it I'll see you outside, alright!? The getting off of the plane,
obviously. In normal circumstances this is done on the ground, through a door,
but can also be done on the sea and in the air, or out the top if the roof gets
ripped off or a terrorist bomb explodes under your seat or out one of the little
windows if it gets smashed and you get sucked out.
* - This stage will not take place if aeroplane has already
crashed, exploded, fallen out of sky, everyone is dead etc. etc.
The Safety of Flying
People will tell you that flying is completely, perfectly and totally safe, but
they are messengers from the devil, believe them not! They will blatantly make
such claims as "Oh, more people die crossing the road than flying!" but will
conveniently omit telling you that the research responsible for foundering these
claims was carried out on the M1 north-circular interchange, with a group of 401
"volunteers" from the Sunnyville retirement home.
Overview
NO! I tell you! Pay no heed to their attempts to lure you into the evil belly of
their giant iron birds. They are Satan's work, just like escalators only bigger!
Kids, just say NO!
