Ronald McDonald then came up with the idea of making food more aerodynamic than it had previously been, and consequently making faster food than before. He quickly opened what became known as a fast food restaurant. He named the restaurant "Kentucky Fried Chicken" and specialised in cooking a dish called "Mutton and venison hot-pot".

Soon after this rivals began to appear in the market. A man named Kentucky started up a restaurant called "Burger King", and a man crowned "King Burger IV of Whopper-land" opened one called McDonald's. All though he thought about the idea, a man named "Monsieur Hut de Pizza" bought a moped with a crate on the back instead. He regretted this as this style, if I can use the word style, of restaurant became very popular over the following quarter of an hour or so, and these restaurants now pride themselves on having 12 year old employees, attractively thin fries, and shiny coloured, wipe clean, vomit proof, floor tiles.

It is the latter of these we shall turn our attention to, so consider yourself turned. Fish and chip shops are a British tradition stemming from the days when fish in batter, and cuboids of potato were the national currency. From them you can buy anything you like, as long as you only like fish, chips or both or newspaper or all three or any combination of two and nothing else. They claim other foodstuffs are available but should you actually request any of these other items you will be told by a fat bloke that none of these are ready at the moment and you can wait if you like but it will take until Wednesday after the next ice age, if the batter has settled, plus two minutes to wrap it.

Fish and Chip shops have less than normal opening times. There is however a simple rule you can use to find out when the shop is open or closed:

You can try to go in the evening, but you can guarantee that the shop will be packed with people that the shop employ to barge into eachother and shout a lot.

The other main excitement one associates with buying Fish and Chips is brought about by the industry not being able to afford proper packaging and resorting to the use of old newspapers. There is an advantage and a disadvantage to this. The disadvantage is that all the newsprint comes off onto the chips, the advantage is that when you get the chips home you can utilise them in a fun, chip-based, family word game (like scrabble, but with chips...).

• Buy it
• Cook it
• Eat it

You do not have to strictly follow this order but it is the most preferable.

Now we have cleared up any confusion you may have been under involving the vast, well browned at gas mark 5, subject of food, we will proceed to go on at you for the remainder of this article on the afore-mentioned subject (which is that of food, in case you have not read the rest of this article and have started reading it here for no apparent reason).

Food can be divided into a number of exciting "food categories". To this end we shall now describe all of them in boring and tedious detail.

Ocean food, as the name suggests, is food originating from a giant duck-pond known to waterologists as an ocean. This category of food must not be confused with sewage. Ocean food largely consists of the many varieties of fish. Fish are bread and pastry based animals who swim in the sea and rivers. When caught, skinned and cooked they make a good addition to any meal, except a meal already containing fish.

Like most animals there are many species of fish. These include Chocolate-Chip, Vanilla, Low Calorie Fat-Free, and Mississippi Mud, although some experts claim that because the latter is caught in the mud at the bottom of the Mississippi there may be less chocolate content than is suggested on the packaging.

The traditional way of aquiring a fish meal is to get a rod, an old car axle will do, and catch one. The first thing you do is set up your rod, line, tackle and bait. The bait you use depends upon the amount of fish you want to catch and their psychological condition at the time. If making a meal for one, you need catch only one fish, but if you have a family of four to feed then you will need to catch a four-pack of fish. A more economical method of fishing is to take advantage of a "Catch 6, get 2 free" offer, found in most of the large chains of natural lakes and rivers.

The humble cake has come a long way since it's original inception as a form of raspberry-ripple hang-glider. It now forms the cornerstone of the diet of every human being in the civilised world (people in uncivilised tribal bits of the world resort back to the primitive animal instincts of buying fast food from a drive-through).

There are now more varieties of cake than ever before. These include cheap cakes, expensive cakes, cakes that come in cardboard boxes, and iced cakes that come in paper bags where all the icing comes off leaving you with a plain cake in an iced bag.

Cakes can be made in the comfort of your own home using simple house-hold ingredients. The easy way to remember the measurements for a cake is that it includes four of everything in your kitchen cupboard. NB. Some cookbooks had to be withdrawn in 1992 when a whole parish church fair was poisoned by the consumption of cakes containing up to four cups, saucers, table cloths, cookbooks, cheese graters, knives, forks, shelves, gas meters, cupboard door hinges etc.

Dead animals form a large proportion of most peoples diets except for silly hippies who just eat cabbage burgers all the time and say "They taste just like real meat!". There are various forms of dead animal availabe many of which are given names that disguise their true source, such as "bacon" for sliced dead pig, or "lamb" for minced up baby sheep.