The Funny.co.uk guide to surviving, when survival may be a problem in places you would rather not have to survive in.

Your immediate concern will be the problems of lack of water and death by thirst. This is why you should always carry a packet of powdered water developed by German inventor, Dr. Jurgen Clinberghoffen Franz Schnell Frugelwitz. Simply put a teaspoon of the powder into the glass and add 50 gallons of milk, to be left with a glass of crystal clear, cool, pure, water. It is vitally important to ensure you are carrying 50 gallons of milk (or 120 cows and several buckets) with you in the event of a plane crash. The best course of action is to check the plane for any obvious defects before takeoff, and if you are pretty sure that it will be crashing in a desert, fill up several paper bags with milk.

If, after take-off, you are still unsure that the plane may crash, you must take steps to avoid wasting over £100 worth of milk, by helping the plane to crash. Mug the air stewardess using a cheesewire garrotte, or the supplied dental floss, and steal her uniform. Put on the uniform, apply generous amounts of lipstick, and slip, unnoticed, into the cockpit of the plane. Keep quiet, to avoid waking the people flying the plane, switch on the navigation computer and type the following "Security Clearance: Alpha#1-TT3, Course: B3-F4minor Quadrant, Code initiation B" before pressing up up left right down C C A B up on the "QuickshotTM" control pad.

You will thus be presented with a screen saying "Not ready reading left wing, would you like the plane to crash into a desert? Y / N / Abort / Retry / Eject...". Type in "Yes", or even just the letter "Y" (to cut your typing time by 66%!)

You are now ready for your untimely descent into the desert. Ensure all the cows have their seatbelts on, are aware of the crash procedures, and have had adequate time to purchase duty-free.

There are two ways to get yourself out of such a predicament. The first is to climb up the vertical rock face and tie a rope at the top so you can pull yourself up. This does however have one very obvious drawback exposing the plan as a very silly one; What if you don't have a rope?! Such a drawback could mean resorting to the second method. This entails hanging on to a 1" ledge by your fingernails until the cast of Baywatch come along and rescue you.

Your second problem is that of food. Provided you are careful, you should have no trouble acquiring food, as the mountains are swarming with mountain sheep. To get a meal out of a sheep you must set up an overhead pulley mechanism consisting of a lasso attached to a bent over tree and a large net positioned about 100 metres away. When the sheep steps into the lasso it will constrict around the sheep's leg. The bent over tree will be released, and the sheep will be flung 100 metres into the waiting net where it should become enveloped and trapped. When the sheep is secured walk up to it, say hello, and politely request directions to the nearest McDonald's.