The cow is sometimes referred to by experts as Cowus-Very-Biggus-Bottomus-Maximus-Heinz-Bovril-Soupimus-Moo-icus, or more frequently as "A cow".

The A Cow or it's similar mammal relation "The cow" , are grass eating animals living mainly in grassy knolls in the en-suite bathrooms of penthouse flats. The "the cow" and the "A cow" have recently come under scrutiny due to their recent allegations of BSE (Big Scare of Europe) infections. This can lead to premature death, Weakness of limbs, song and dance routines, blue udders, tinsel growth on horns, uncontrollable urges towards men in orange summer dresses, wearing of orange summer dresses, photographing hedgehogs in orange summer dresses, Tinsel growth on orange summer dresses and dropping dead in the middle of fields, wearing communal orange summer dresses.

Section 2 : WARNING: cows do not go baaa

Cows do not go baaa.

Section 3 : The risk to humans

Veterinary experts have discovered that the main area of BSE development in a cows body is the jelly like substance around the cows spinal column. This therefor indicates that those at higher risk of infection are the many members of the public who like to indulge in "Dead cow spinal column jelly on toast". Doctor's fear that this could have a very adverse effect on the dietry habit's of a majority of the population. Dr. John Walton a spokesman from the ministry of cows today said that there was no risk to humans and penguins jam roll goats whatsoever, before returning to his new inflatable wig-wam on the isle of man.

Section 4 : Moooo

Baaaa

Section 5 : Attaching Cows to Pogo Sticks

Take your Cow, A Cow or The Cow, and politely request that it gets on to the pogo stick. You may now proceed with attaching it, eg. Piano wire.

Section 6 : The Evolution Of COW

COW was first discovered by humans in the late 1960's by a long haired man wearing a floral skirt in the middle of a field. He stumbled across a group of 78 playing twister down a rabbit hole. It was at this point he tripped over an aeroplane jutting from the ground. To break his fall he grabbed a cow's udder, which immediately squirted a white substance which landed in a nearby bowl of corn flakes. This was the point at which the long haired man wearing a floral skirt in the middle of a field's friend, a long haired man with a long beard wearing a floral skirt in the middle of a field, came along with his brother, a long haired man with a long beard and curly moustache and beads wearing a floral skirt in the middle of a field. They picked up the bowl of corn flakes, which by this time had had sugar sprinkled on it by the pixies, and just for a laugh decided to eat them. They were amazed at how nice it tasted and showed their sister, a short haired woman wearing a nose ring, leather jacket and flip-flops. They decided to go into business. After hijacking the cows they named their new business after their sister, Una Gate. The rest as they say …..dot dot..

Section 7 : How to make a COW sandwich

You will need : 1 COW, 2 Slices of standard loaf bread, Some butter.

Place 1 slice of bread on the floor, an then spread half your butter on to it. Spread the other half onto the other slice (the one that isn't the one you just spreaded butter on). Take your COW and place it on the slice of bread on the floor. Take your other slice of bread and place it butter side down on top of the COW.

You now have the option of eating it now or continuing with one of the many options available to you, such as an electric sandwich toaster.