COOKING MADE EASIER

With Dr. Harold Lecter, Your friendly autopsy specialist.

CHAPTER 1:
Farmhouse Style Cookery

1. Starter: Horse-D'oeuvres

Ingredients:

• 6-7 Horses
• 12-14 Cocktail stick
• 1 pt Fresh full cream bile

Method:

1. Taking one horse at a time, remove both eyes by cutting the surrounding tissue and the optic nerves with some Boots nail clippers.
2. When you have removed the eyes from each of the horses, put them all out of their misery with a twelve bore or SPAS-12 pump action shotgun, laughing hystericaly.
3. Insert a cocktail stick into the pupil of each eye. Ensure that one; it does not go all the way through and stick out the back, and two; you are not to vigorous, as you could pop the eye and send optic juices all over the place.
4. Serve on a large plate bathed in bile.

2. Main Course : Pig's bladder soup

Ingredients:

• 1 Pig
• 2 Live chickens
• Half pt. Labrador stock
• Assorted veg. finely chopped

Method:

1. Remove the pig's bladder from it body by using a hole punch and a straightened out wire coat- hanger.
2. Remove all flesh from the pigs back with a cheese slice, and roughly chop before putting in the blender for about two - three minutes.
3. To prepare the chickens you must first get them to keep still. To do this nail their feet to your worktop.
4. Now remove their heads with a big, heavily spiked, meat tenderising mallet, and put them in the bottom of your serving dish.
5. Chop the pigs bladder, and, along with the liquidised strips of flesh, place into the serving dish. Boil everything until the serving dish has melted.

3. Desert : Farmer Surprise

Ingredients:

• 1 egg white
• 1 yogurt pot
• 32 kg Sugar
• 2 bottles of super glue
• 247 medium/large farmers

Method:

1. Take your farmers and sevre their left hands with a set of blunt chop sticks. Place them in a small food processor and liquidise until dead and creamy.
2. Add the sugar, and mix well with your tounge.
3. Place the mixture in several wheel-barrows and transport to the other side of the kitchen.
4. Pour the mixture into the yogurt pot.
5. Add the two bottles of super glue and place in the fridge to set for about sixteen years.
6. When set put the pot into an airing cupbord set on maximum temperature for a further sixteen months.
7. If after this time the concoction has not evolved into an intelligent life-form and taken over most of the northern hemisphere with a millitary regime encouraging violence and fluffy Garfield toys with suction cups on the paws so you can stick them to the inside of your car windows, serve straight from the airing cupbord in the pot.(Feel free to double or treble the ingredients to cater for two or three people)

CHAPTER 2:
Cooking Korean Style

1. Starter : Cock "Tail" snacks.

• 3 - 4 kittens*.
• 6 - 8 cocktail sticks*.
• 2 golden retriever lungs*.

METHOD

1. Remove the tails from each of the kittens with an electric bread knife.
2. Chop each kitten tail into approximately three 2" lengths.
3. Remove what fur there is on the tail sections with an "Innovations catologue" pull-over fuz-away razor.
4. Wrap each piece in a small square of golden retriever lung.
5. Sew the package shut with a short length from the kitten's small intestines.
6. Insert a cocktail stick into each mini sausage - like section and serve on a large plate attractively presented and sprinkled with parsley

2. Main course : Terrier fillets in Taragon sauce.

• 1 Jar, Safeway taragon sauce.
• 1 highland terrier (per pers.)

METHOD:

1. De-fur the terrier's in a 650 watt microwave on full power for eight minutes.
2. Remove any still attatched tufts of fur by hand.
3. Find each terrier's fleshiest area and remove it with a wood plane.
4. If still not dead, put the terrier back in the microwave for a further ten minutes.
5. Place the meat on an oven proof plate and lightly bathe in the taragon sauce.
6. Leave to cook for about 24 hours in the washing machine and it will cook easily, even at forty degrees!
7. Serve on a plate with the ears as a garnish.

3. Desert : Labrador meruinge pie

• 1 labarador.
• 3 eggs.
• 50g sugar

METHOD:

1. Put your "grabbed off the end of it's owner's lead as they walked past your front gate" labarador into large blender.
2. Ignore all it's sweet, pleading little whimpers and whines as it begs you to let it out, and turn the blender on to top speed for about 12 minutes.
3. Pour the bitch into a large pastry case amd top with a usual meruinge made with the egg white and sugar.
4. Bake at gas mark 3 until golden brown and starting to smell of dead rotting flesh.