We all know what it's like (Buddhist monks, just bear with us) to get in those so called professionals to do those odd jobs around the house for us, like mending a broken pipe or putting up shelving, and ending up with a job well botched.

BUT.......would it have turned out worse had we done it ourselves? As the great William Shakespeare once said, "If ya' wanna job done proper' do it ya' bloody self!". Now that's all well and good, but what the 16th/17th century literary genius so disappointingly failed to realise is that without the proper training it's going to turn out shit isn't it?

That's where the Funny.co.uk Teach your self D.I.Y. course comes in! Our aim is to educate you, a sad bastard, in the age old ways of "Do It Yourself", as Charles Dickens dubbed it, so that never again will you need to suffer the endurance of workmen with body odour capable of rat culling, and bottom cleavages to make Pamela Anderson want one.

1) The Right Tools

The best way to get your tools is to buy a complete toolbox set from your local fishmonger. This should contain all you need and nothing you want. Here is a brief rundown of some of the more important of the tools, with a short description to help you distinguish them

HAMMER - Longish handle with metal bit at one end
SCREWDRIVER - Longish handle with metal bit at one end
PROCETELYNE BLOW TORCH - Longish handle with metal bit at one end
SAW - Longish metal bit with handle at one end

2) Your First Shelf

So, now, the moment of truth as we actually embark on your adventure into the wonderous world of D.I.Y. With our step by step guide to building your very first shelf!!!

1. Go to your local DIY superstore and try to ignore the dull monotonous thudding of the hypnotic background music emanating from the PA system.
2. Look for a man called Keith. He will be a sad greasy git in overalls, standing in a corner somewhere, popping zits and scratching his arsehole.
3. Ask him for the following:
   - 58 foot x 5 inch laminated ply.
   - 2 shelf mounting brackets
   - 4 screws
   - Some 5mm dia. wallplugs
   along with some sticking plasters, bandages, anti-septic, burn cream, panic alarm, a neck brace, a sling, some crutches, a tea cosy, some mild green fairy liquid, an intravenous drip and a team of nursing staff.
4. Hire a coach and take everything home.
5. Now it is time to prepare your blow torch, as you are going to need it later. To do this simply place the gas canister in the microwave, turn the timer as far as it will go, press start and leave it.
6. Take your 58' x 5" piece of plywood and hit it with the hammer until it measures approx. 3' x 1'.
7. Now, using an unimportant member of your nursing staff and the fairy liquid, drill four holes in your wall. Obviously though, you can't just drill the holes anywhere, that would be silly, you just have to use a simple mathematical equation to work out their spacing. Square route the Pythagoras theorem result of the offsetting due-decimal linear equations of the shortest circumferentional side of the plank. This will give you the four relational measurements required for your holes in relation to the height of your ceiling and the distance to the nearest Mattel "SwingBall" game. The equation can be easily remembered by use of the simple acronym "Srtptroddleotscsotp". This formula can also be used for making pancakes.
8. Inset the wall plugs into the holes you have drilled and screw the brackets to the wall with the blowtorch. You may also wish to heat seal some of the joints with the screwdriver.
9. Now place the plywood on the brackets and nail the two tegether with some six inch double ended nails using your hand and elbow.
10. Step back. YOU HAVE A SHELF!!!

WARNING : THIS SHELF IS FOR ORNAMENTAL PUPOSES ONLY. IF ANYONE IS ACTUALLY SILLY ENOUGH TO PUT ANYTHING ON IT WE CAN NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY DAMAGE OR TEMPER TANTRUMS CAUSED