The following is a "history" collected by teachers throughout the
United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you
will learn a lot of incorrect information.
The inhabitants of
ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled
by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere, so areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians
built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a
range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of
interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve
were created from an apple tree. On of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I
my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma.
Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who
brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take it. One of
Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the
Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where
they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David
was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists,
a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman, one of David's sons,
had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have
history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and
Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the
mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable.
Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which
Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually,
Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates
was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed
him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic games,
Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, the threw the java. The reward to
the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because
people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the
mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors
were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered
because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the
Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for
very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius
Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March
murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel
tyranny who would turture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to
them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King
Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the
Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of
the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no
free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In medevil time
most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer,
who wrote many poems and versus and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of
William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's
head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value
of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg
for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by
a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interes in the female nude that made him
the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot
clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII
found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth
was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed
herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out
and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest write of the Renaissance
was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is only famous
because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing
tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet
rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another,
Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kind by attack his manhood.
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as
Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was
John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote
Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher
Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the
Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later,
the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When
they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down
the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried
porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their
cabooses, which proved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one
for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith
was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars
was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their
parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul
Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the
peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay
for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying
all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented
electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse devided against
itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George
Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our
Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure
domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep
bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest president. Lincoln's
mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said,
"In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while
traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also
freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth
Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher
and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented
law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and
got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed
assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's
career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Graity was
invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the
apples are falling off trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the
world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half
English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote
music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long
walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in
1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The
French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the
theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the
Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. The
the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks.
Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.
He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she
couldn't bear children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because
the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria
was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and
finally the end of her life were exemplary of a great personality. Her death was
the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time
of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a
network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper,
which did the work of hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who
wrote the Organ of the Species.
