From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
"Would the Congregation please note
that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled 'For The Sick,' is for
monetary donations only."
---
From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch,
New Zealand:
'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the
Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a
poisoning case."
---
From The Gloucester Citizen:
A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialling an 0891
number from an advertisement entitled 'Hear Me Moan' the caller was played a
tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house.
Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, 'He got
what he deserved.'
---
From The Barnsley Chronicle:
Police arrived quickly, to find Mr Melchett hanging by his fingertips from
the back wall. He had run out of the house when the owner, Paul Finch, returned
home unexpectedly, and, spotting an intruder in the garden, had visiting Mrs
Finch and, hearing the front door open, had climbed out of the rear window. But
the back wall was 8 feet high and Mr Melchett had been unable to get his leg
over.
---
From The Scottish Big Issue:
In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a 'My Name is
Henry' convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of not
being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus. 'It was a lie', explained Mr Pap,
'I'm a Henry and always will be,' whereupon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie,
whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer - attempted to pull them apart. Several
more Henrys - Smith, Calderwood and Andrews - became involved and soon the
entire convention descended into a giant fist fight. The brawl was eventually
broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane.
---
From The Daily Telegraph:
In a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes": "[T]he
money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used
to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new
positions in hotels."
---
From The Derby Abbey Community News:
We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr
Fred Nicolme is a defective in the police force.' This was a typographical
error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a detective in the police farce.
---
From The Guardian:
After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old Michael
Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to 'Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist
*******s.' The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr *******s has
asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name.
---
From The Manchester Evening News:
Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station
released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket.
---
An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways from a
trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand people watched as
little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo and the animal's gag
reflex forced it to swallow. The crowd applauded wildly before other circus
people realized what had happened.
---
An elderly woman at a unit for sufferers of senile dementia passed round a
box of mothballs thinking that they were mints. Eleven people were taken to
hospital for treatment.
