Yes, you. You sick *****. On Wednesday morning I
emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed
the tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea
why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched.
Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All
I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to work in a
padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.
Because the bike was immobilized I
got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop
($45) where they replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor).
They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you
break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As
an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But
then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry
again.
Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode
home from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I
figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have
to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I
wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a
hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of
sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how fucked up you are, and how our
paths once crossed briefly in the night.
But you couldn't just let
sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You couldn't just stay in on Friday,
watch Letterman through the window of a home electronics store and then call it
a night. You couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes
just wasn't enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for
more.
This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the
shop, I found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the
right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare
sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece
toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset
was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace
hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was
for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had
to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on
me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all
told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive
adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the
hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy
a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back
now."
OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have
done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable.
I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't
understand is,
YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?
I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a
calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main thing I
do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is crack. How
do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you
non-stop. I mean, the fucking saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably
worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really
haven't put much thought into this, have you?
Please, Crackhead, please
don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy crack. Even a stupid crackhead such
as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid.
I've decided that taping
crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed
a line, Crackhead - specifically California Street. You have come onto my own
street and you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me,
and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of
engineering shit, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my boss could find
out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude.
Here are my
options as I see them:
1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of
my sparkplugs in rat poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim
for that one, it was his idea.
2. Don't write a note, but just coat both
sparkplugs in rat poison. This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit
your despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and shit, but it's not
like anyone is going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.
3.
Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel mirror-finish
Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm sparkplug socket, and
my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced. I am not a large man, but
I am angry.
In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a
favor and buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking
experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think about
it.
Sincerely, Matt
*** If you are not the Crackhead that took
my sparkplugs, please disregard this posting ***
