1. "It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
Woody Allen. 

2. "The trouble with heart disease is that the first symptom is often hard to deal with - sudden death."
Michael Phelps 

3. "I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."
Emo Philips. 

4. "For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
Johnny Carson. 

5. "A grave is a place where the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student."
Ambrose Bierce 

6. "If your time hasn't come, not even a doctor can kill you."
MA Perlstein 

7. "At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."
Patrick Moore. 

8. "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying."
Woody Allen. 

9. "There are three natural anaesthetics: Sleep, fainting, and death."
Oliver Wendell Holmes 

10. "Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
Groucho Marx. 

11. "Dying is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing to do with it."
Somerset Maugham 

12. "At my age flowers scare me."
George Burns 

13. "There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"
Woody Allen. 

14. "Death is just nature's way of telling you to slow down."
Dick Sharples 

15. "They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days."
Garrison Kielor. 

16. "The report of my death was an exaggeration."
Mark Twain. 

17. "I don't mind dying, the trouble is you feel so bloody stiff the next day."
George Axlerod 

18. "It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead your made for life."
Jimi Hendrix. 

19. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
Mariah Carey. 

20. "Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate."
Ambrose Bierce. 

21. "My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?"
Margaret Smith. 

22. "I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death."
Phyllis Diller 

23. "On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down."
Woody Allen. 

24. "Picasso was a delightful, kindly, friendly, simple little man. When I met him he was extremely excited and overjoyed that his mother-in-law had just died, and he was looking forward to the funeral."
Edith Sitwell 

25. "I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere."
George Burns. 

26. "My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."
Ed Furgol. 

27. "My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping."
Rita Rudner. 

28. "When I came back to Dublin I was court-martialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence."
Brendan Behan 

29. "The court was not previously aware of the prisoner's many accomplishments. In view of these, we see fit to impose the death penalty."
Quentin Crisp 

30. "When you've told someone that you've left them a legacy the only decent thing to do is to die at once."
Samuel Butler.