LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is
yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the
supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and,
eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be
followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the
latter increases with the number of people you tell about the
former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though
this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the
golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls
never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a
law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what
causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant
"You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The
higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an
instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret
desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its
desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known
to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10:
Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against
you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest
point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group
will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you
accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional
wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar
combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are
demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to
follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law
three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and
beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy
putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy
one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to
will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes
of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should
be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per
month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only
until the sunset.
