If Nelson’s navy had
been subject to today’s regulatory environment, would the Battle of
Trafalgar have proceeded more like this?
“Order the
signal, Hardy.”
“Aye aye
sir.”
“Hold on,
that’s not what I dictated to the signal officer. What’s the meaning of
this?”
“Sorry
sir?”
“England expects every person to do
their duty – regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability. What sort of gobbledygook is this?”
“Admiralty policy, I’m
afraid sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own
job getting England past the censors, lest it
be considered racist.”
“Gadzooks
Hardy! Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
“Sorry sir.
All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
environments.”
“In that
case break open the rum rations. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men
before battle.”
“The rum
ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government’s policy on
binge drinking.”
“Good
heavens Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it. Full speed
ahead.”
“I think
you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of
water.”
“Damn it
man! We’re on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance
with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please.”
“That won’t
be possible sir,”
”What?”
”Health and safety
have closed the crow’s nest sir. No harness. And they say the rope ladder
doesn’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper
scaffolding can be erected.”
”Then get me the
ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”
”He’s busy knocking
up a wheelchair access to the fo’castle Admiral.”
“Wheelchair
access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”
“Health and
safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier free environment for the
differently-abled.”
”Differently-abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse to
have the word mentioned. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the
disability card.”
“Actually
sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual
impairment and limb deficiency.”
”Whatever next? Give me full
sail. The salt spray beckons.”
“A couple
of problems there too sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging
without crash helmets. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt –
haven’t you seen the adverts?”
”I’ve never heard such
infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the
enemy.”
“The men
are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”
“What? This
is mutiny.”
”It’s not that sir. It’s just
that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone.
There are a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like
hawks.”
“Then how
are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”
”Actually sir, we’re
not.”
“We’re
not?”
”No sir. The Frenchies and
the Spaniards are our European partners now.
According to the Common
Fisheries policy we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit
for a claim for compensation.”
”But you must hate a
Frenchman as you hate the devil.”
“I wouldn’t
let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on
a disciplinary.”
“You must
consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.”
”Not any more, sir. We must
be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest. It’s
the rules.”
”Don’t tell me – health and
safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”
“As I
explained sir, rum is off the menu and there’s a ban on corporal
punishment.”
“What about
sodomy?”
“I believe
it’s to be encouraged sir.”
“In that
case, kiss me Hardy.”
