I was born 56 years ago, but I was too young to remember where. My mother was a right old cow, she was a lollipop lady and my dear old dad (now deceased-bless him) was a magistrate and a very good one.

As a youth I was never very popular with cats, they used to ignore me all the time, even if i had a tin of tuna, a saucer of milk they wouldn't ever come to me--until one day I had the idea of spending all of my paper-round money on sardine paste and slap it all over my body. Oh how the cats loved me! They would lick me for days and days, i didnt care if the school kids called me Fishy Jesus Cabbage, I was happy.

I later trained to be a doctor and I was a very good one. During my stint of National Service I used to clean the Queens DC10, those bloody corgis would crap everywhere, in the cockpit, the bombay doors and they would do very small droppings on the Queens Jimi Hendrix Puple Hair-hair style. I once saved Bob Dylans life, he was a musician and a very good one.

A better musician was Art Garfunkel, he was the backbone of Simon&Garfunkel (he also owned a number of steak restaurants) I once saw him perform at the Royal Albert Hall and half way through the gig I noticed there was something not right.

I stood up during one of his sublime ballads and shouted out "You Sir, are not the real Art Garfunkel, You Sir, are an Imposter". And you know what happened?

They threw me out.