Just a few stories from our nations Emergency Rooms to prove that fact is
stranger than fiction.

- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The
man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked
about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him
ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

- A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain.
During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole
chicken piece by piece into her vagina. Unable to have children she was hoping
that the chicken would turn into a baby.

- A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage
and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans
genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police
were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During the search one
of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was
sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the
man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the
urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while
sitting (if you know what I mean) The officer was given a  commendation from
his precinct for medical assistance.

- A woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was
dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady
an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray
showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was
lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam a
TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became
known as "The Human Couch".

- A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot
to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the
woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this the grandmother
started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor
should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!). Instead he was saying "Whore!
Whore! Whore!"

- An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced
seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube
passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollar
bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave,
the nurse gave him  back his belongings and told him where she had found the
money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"

- An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines in my
virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a
six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she
had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much
like a potato. It  was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was
falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot
about it.

- The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a
complaint of belly button lint.

- A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and
questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a
pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the
young female's room.
Doctor:  "The results of your pregnancy test came back  positive. Are you sure
          you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor:  "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"

- A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the
hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the
old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old
daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be?
She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"

- A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to
him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had
injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends.
Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might
have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then
said questioningly, "I've been screwing the dog?"

- A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and
her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to
retrieve it with her fingers. I went to the bathroom and "gagged" myself to
vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."