Star Trek : The next Generation

An exclusive, untelevised episode of Star Trek : The Next Generation, brought to us by our Hollywood industry insider contacts.

Picard - Captains Log, stardate abc123.567.21q.893 and a bit. We are currently moseying about the galaxy in our M class star ship doing no missions, seeing how pissed we can get on Betazoid mindwine mega-plonk, and playing chicken with small moons. The nearest inhabited planet is the planet Windowlene IV of the Mistermuscle system.

Worf - Captain, we are being hailed.

Picard - On Screen

Two surfer dudes float past

Dudes - We're not worthy, We're not worthy

Worf - Gor Blimey Captain! I think an inhabitant of the planet Windowlene IV is trying to hook up a subspace communication link with us.

Picard - What does he mean No 1?

Riker - It means they are trying to fax us.

Picard - Oh bloody hell, I haven't finished my mega-plonk yet, Mr Data......

Data - I'm the talking Tomy! Ask me a question and I will answer! Beep beep whirrr beep

Picard - ....Engage!

Riker - No that wont work, they'll just try and ring back later

Picard - Good point No. 1. Mr. Worf, patch me in, outgoing audio only......

Hello, thank you for calling the star ship Enterprise. I'm afraid we are all out at the moment but if you'd like to leave a message then ..... oh sod it. On screen Mr Worf.

Terrified looking alien appears on screen. He looks human except he also looks like he has had an accident with some blue eyeshadow.

Alien - Oh, Captain Picard, I am President J-Cloth of Windowlene IV, we need your help

Picard - Yes President J-Cloth?...

J-Cloth - we......sorry I have some difficulties grasping your language....

Picard - That's OK I speak fluent windowlenian, well, I'm pissed actually, but it amounts to the same thing

J-Cloth - Burblruglterptiopleregthyiuopauoied....

Picard - Then again, speak English you incompetent, what's the matter with you man?

J-cloth - I said that all the car shaped pencil erasers that you get out of Christmas crackers have dissappea.....

Screen flickers and goes dead

Cut to shot of Picard looking worried........but thoughtful.

Roll Credits

Space, the final frontier (before working out how to get the lid of those child safety medicine bottles). These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise, it's ongoing, drawn out, mammoth saga of a seemingly never ending, pointless mission to seek out new life and new civilisations, to work out why we can cure all serious diseases but not baldness, to boldly go where no humanoid carbon based life form, or wibbly wobbly see through thing that floats around space, has gone before.

Cut to shot of plastic spaceship on strings being "floated" past a blue and green painted football on a stick.

Picard - Captain's log, stardate: day after yesterday. I am beginning to regret buying a log recording machine when I could have had a karaoke for the same price. We have reached the planet and are orbiting it the wrong way. I am old, decrepit, far too important, and a bit scared shitless, so I'm going to send a load of other people that I don't care about.

Picard - No 1. Take an away team down to the surface and see what you can find out. Take these two security officers, Mr Data, Mr Worf and Mr LaFor... Mr LaForge, will you stop playing with that hairband please!

Nervous looking security officer steps towards captain

Un-named Officer # 6 - C-C-C-Captain, r-r-request to be excused from this mission.

Picard - Why officer?

Un-named Officer # 6  - Well I'll get shot as soon as I beam down won't I!

Picard - Don't be silly, Starfleet took action against that happening years ago!

Officer - They did? How?

Picard - By decommissioning silky red tunics of course!

Officer - Oh! Right! Well lets go then, what are we waiting for!?

Transporter room: Away team climb onto platform. Picard reaches for his clipboard and crosses off Un-named Officer #6's name from the Expendable Crew Duty Roster.

O'Riley Top a' ther mornin' t' ya laddie

Riker - Energise.

O'Riley - Oh! To be sure, to be sure!  O'Riley then drinks a pint of Guiness while gluing a polaroid of a Lepracorn to a shamrock, to add authenticity to the accent.

Team appear in the middle of an archery range. Immediately a traditional windowlenian double fork pronged arrow kills the two security officers instantly. Worf is looking around, growling, unaware he has an arrow stuck in his head.