1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens
mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and
repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly
with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from
goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly
with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
rub cat's throat vigorously.
6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get
another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing
later.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its
head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
8.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to
take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet
with cold water and soap.
9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get
another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.
10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on
hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
11. Ring fire
brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who
crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's
mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of
fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to
wash pill down.
13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
