 Lord of the Rings - The Secret Diaries
Posted By Richard (08 July, 2004)
|
| Lord Of The Rings - Secret Diaries - The bits you didn't hear
about!!
THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN Part
1
Day One:
Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.
Met
up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.
Still
not King.
Day Four:
Stuck on mountain with Hobbits.
Boromir really annoying.
Not King yet.
Day
Six:
Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged
and manly.
Yes!
Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself
back.
Still not King.
Day Ten:
Sorry no entries
lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria.
Big Baelrog.
Not King today
either.
Day Eleven:
Orcs killed: 7. V. good.
Stubble update: Looking mangy.
Legolas may be hotter than me.
I
wonder if he would like me if I was King?
Day
28:
Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive.
Have a
feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a
turn-off.
Still not King.
Day 30:
In Lothlorien.
Think Galadriel was hitting on me.
Saucy wench.
Nice chat with
Boromir. He's not so bad.
Took a shower. Yay!
But still not
King.
Day 32:
Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly
hairy.
Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his
mind.
I think Legolas might be kinda gay.
Nope, not
King.
Day 33:
Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V.
good.
Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms,
am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay.
Not so sure about
Gimli either.
RIP Boromir.
Still not King, but at least Boromir
seemed to think I was. Might however have been blood loss.
Day
34:
Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with
him.
Why?
My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?
Not
so sure about me either.
Still not King, goddammit.
THE
SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN Part 2
Day
One
Ran forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli looking
about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken. Still not
King.
Stubble update: satisfactory.
Day Two
Ran into
army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits were. Got v. cagey
answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last bender I went on where I painted
rude words in Elvish all over his horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously
copied hairstyle from Legolas. He wouldn't be giving me this attitude if I were
King.
Day Three
Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead
Orcs, you've seen 'em all. That's all I'm sayin.'
Day
Four
Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead
was forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf
the Sparkly White. PR whore. Next thing he'll be charging for pointy hat
trick.
Day Six
In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude.
He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm
lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh?
Eh?"
Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.
In revenge,
stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at
Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and
Legolas.
Day Seven
Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame
her as stubble so manly is turning even self on.
Day
Nine
Fell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by
Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there. Have lost
favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such
thing as bad jewelry. Well, maybe Ring.
Stubble update:
wet.
Day Twelve
Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got
hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet
again. Necklace returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish
that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me
rotten." Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to
presume.
Still not King but too busy keeping up men's morale to brood.
Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.
Day
Fourteen
Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely
ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so
fucked. Perhaps this place has a side door.
Day Fourteen,
Later
Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to
assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die looking
at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, "It's unbelievable!" about elf
army. Was forced to agree --it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not
match his weave.
Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following
me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.
Day
Fifteen
Unexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm's Deep, but
celebration ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of
himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion, sharing
a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:
Dear
Aragorn,
Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but v.
bendy. Just what I always wanted! Still have fond memories of that night we
spent together in Minas Tirith. Love and kisses,
Faramir.
God damn Faramir. Might as well just have let
Boromir have the Ring and cut out the middleman. At least I know Sam will kill
him if he tries anything.
Still not King.
THE
SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS, SON OF WEENUS Part 1
Day
One:
Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to
follow some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano.
Very
important mission - gold ring so tacky.
Day
Four:
Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner
plate all the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy human who cannot walk on snow
insisted we climb back down.
Am definitely prettiest member of the
Fellowship.
Go me!
Day Six:
Far too dark in
Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am developing a
tangle.
Orcs so silly.
Still the prettiest.
Day
Ten:
Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing
a spot on my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500
years or more.
Still prettiest, despite blasted
spot.
Day Eleven:
In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel
may be prettier than me.
Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I
was wearing that same look at least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most
annoyed that I used her mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath.
I
choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my
hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now?
Still prettiest
by far.
Day 30:
All this paddling about in boats is
hell on my complexion.
Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely
attractive. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Still the
prettiest.
Day 33 :
Boromir tempted by Ring. So
tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already have everything I want i.e.
perfect hair and a butt like granite.
Have been getting very strange
letters from someone calling herself "Stacey" who wants to do obscene things to
my elfhood. Fortunately have super-duper elf vision so can run away if I see her
coming.
Day 35:
Boromir dead. Very messy death, most
unnecessary.
Did get kissed by Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to
get shot full of arrows around here to get any action? Boromir definitely not
prettier than me.
Cannot understand it.
Am feeling a pout coming
on.
Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each
other, rather cute really.
Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He
is waist height, so can see advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet
most offputting.
Forsee dark times ahead, very dark
times.
THE SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS Part
2
Day One:
Whee!
Day Two:
I
like to run!
Day Three:
I look good when I
run!
Day Four:
I also look good standing still.
Running across Riddermark v. good excercise. I swear my butt has just gotten
firmer. Is that even possible?
Day Six:
Is Gimli
staring at my butt?
Day Seven:
No wonder he's always
lagging behind.
Day Eight:
Unnerving moment when
bumped into Eomer. Thought he might be prettier than me until he took off
helmet. Fortunately he looks like an aardvark. He hit on Gimli but I warned him
right off. Nobody tries it on with my dwarf.
Am still the
prettiest.
Day Nine:
Pile of dead and smoking Orc
corpses so not pretty. Aragorn showed off and went on and on regarding hobbits
laying about tied up. Do not know why he thinks kinky hobbit games so
important.
Still prettiest.
Day Ten:
Bother!
Fangorn Forest. Leaf mold terrible for my complexion.
Still prettiest but
a bit on clammy, unwashed side.
Day Eleven:
Bumped
into Gandalf who is all sparkly white now. Asked him, "Who do you have to blow
to get last bottle of bleach in Middle Earth anyway?" Gandalf said, "The
Balrog." So not worth it.
Am rethinking, though. Roots are
showing.
Still prettiest although at this rate for how
long?
Day Twelve:
Asked Gandalf for Balrog's number.
Gandalf said I couldn't call him. I told him not to be jealous and posessive. He
said he wasn't, it was just that he killed Balrog last week.
Note to
self: never date Gandalf.
Day Fifteen:
Arrived in
Edoras. V. upset. Suspect Eowyn may be prettier than me. Most unexpected as
always thought shield-maidens were more hefty, pear-shaped types.
Not the
prettiest! V. bitter.
Day Nineteen:
Aragorn stood up
to Theoden today. Aragorn so butch. Have goosebumps.
Day
Twenty:
Poke bonnet absolutely hideous. No longer even remotely
pretty. Considering suicide.
Day Twenty-seven:
Exeunt
Aragorn, pursued by wolves of Isengard. On con side: Am stuck with ugly
necklace. On pro side: No longer have to wear poke bonnet. Am pretty
again!
Day Twenty-nine:
Aragorn back. Apparently
taking header off cliff not as deadly as one would have thought. Told him to
throw me down and shag me senseless, but he just clapped me on the shoulder in a
manly fashion and said, "Yeah, it can get a little chapped sometimes but just
put some lotion on it."
Aragorn just kind of a wanker,
really.
Day Twenty-Nine:
Battle of Helm's Deep so
embarassing. If was not bad enough to face thought of death at the hands of
smelly Orcs in backwater rural province, have now been saved at zero hour by
Haldir showing up with really bad weave.
On plus side, Eowyn stuck in
rancid cave. Perhaps will develop cave blight. Then I will be prettiest
forever.
Day Thirty:
Battle over. Gandalf always
fashionably late it seems. Hopes for after-battle quickie dashed because Aragorn
sulking over postcard from Faramir. Is jealous over Ringbearer. Told him Sam
will kill Faramir if he tries anything but Aragorn not cheered up.
Sod
him. Have received suggestive note from Eomer. Will go see if what they say
about men of Riddermark is actually true.
No one has bothered to get
Eowyn out of cave yet. Still the prettiest by far!
THE
VERY SECRET DIARY OF BOROMIR OF GONDOR
Day One:
Went to
Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual.
He thinks he's so
great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side.
I mean
just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan
and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that....
what?
Got
distracted there for a bit.
Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of
mission while distracted by Aragorn's
enormous...rudeness.
Ooops.
Day Three:
Stupid
Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.
Day Four:
Frodo
dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it
back.
Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved
right up his...
Stupid Ring.
Day Four:
Is
obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo.
Ha Ha!
Ha!
Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day
Six:
Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to
Froooodoo."
"Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up
Caradhras."
"Boromir, quit trying to cut off Frodo's head while he's
asleep so you can get at the Ring."
Blatant favoritism most
annoying.
Day Ten:
Why isn't Aragorn into me
?
Day Eleven:
Carried Frodo out of Mines of
Moria.
Kind of liked it, actually.
Hope am not turning into pervy
hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir.
Not after what happened to *him.*
Merry and Pippin are cute little things, too...
In other news, Gandalf
died.
Day 30:
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe.
Feel sure she was attracted to my rugged yet unwashed manliness.
Legolas
took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy git.
Am
quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose.
Aragorn
suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of time he did not mean
with each other.
Stupid Aragorn.
Day 33 :
Frodo
being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it.
Must admit
I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it.
Rolled
around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little cuddle
(made easier when he punched me in the face.)
Aragorn would be jealous.
Ha!
Day 35:
Killed by orcs.
Stupid
orcs.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO
BAGGINS:
Day One:
Feeling much better in House of
Elrond after nice long nap.
Also, Sam gave me fabulous backrub and bubble
bath. Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful.
Wasn't quite entirely sure
why he needed to suck on my toes, but am assured it has something to do with Elf
medicine.
Day Three:
Have agreed to carry Ring to
Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move.
Day
Four:
Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up
Mount Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank.
Boromir bit
Aragorn on the ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I
thought.
Day Six:
Woke up to find Aragorn playing with
buttons on my shirt.
He must be after the Ring. Damn its siren
call.
Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day
Ten:
Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his
bow.
Was stunned. Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too.
It must
truly be an object of awesome power.
Day
Eleven:
Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently
pointy wizard hat not just for show.
Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or
perhaps he is just v. peculiar.
Day 24:
Finally
feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find me and pinch me
as he has been doing lately.
Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see
pointy hat go.
Day 27 :
Lothlorien so pretty.
Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but she kept saying, "No, there's
something else I'd rather have from you,Frodo Baggins," and trying to slide foot
up inside my breeches.
So, gave her my extra pair of breeches since
she seemed fond of them.
Maybe some kind of breeches shortage in
Lothlorien.
Day 30 :
Rowed all day in boats. V.
tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me a group massage. Nice to have such v.
concerned friends. Glad Ring is not affecting them.
Although did not need
back rubbed quite so much, nor other parts.
Pippin does remember we're
cousins, right?
Right?
Day 33 :
Boromir tried to
take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am fairly sure he also tried to have
a little cuddle.
Was most unnerving, as Boromir quite
huge.
Day 36 :
Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot
cope. Off to Mordor.
Sam coming too. Good thing, as will enable me to
have more of those platonic, brotherly foot massages he's so good at.
Am
sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite fancying the idea of
shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on.
Ah, well,
he never would have liked me
anyway.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF
SAMWISE GAMGEE
Day One:
Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade.
Oh no! Pippin cried.
Told Pippin it would be all right as Mr. Frodo far
too hot to die.
Did I say that out loud?
Day
Three:
Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal
him.
Gandalf told me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty
clothes. So took clothes off him and gave him a bath. and another
one.
Then gave him another bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was
quite enough, Samwise Gamgee.
Poncy old git probably hasn't taken a bath
since the Second Age.
Day Four:
Wonder if it is time
for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.
Day Five:
Elf
bubble bath v. colorful and pretty.
Gandalf no fun at
all.
*sulk*
Day Six:
Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing
well although also seems concerned as to why his fingers are all
wrinkled.
Decided not to tell him about all the baths.
Day
Seven:
Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to
Mordor.
Mr. Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and
wonderful!
Okay, so possibly isn't all that tall.
Day
Eight:
Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship v. dodgy if you ask
me.
Especially Boromir. "Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight" my
Aunt Lobelia.
Obviously pervy hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around
with small men in shorts.
Day Nine:
Aragorn just as
pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will kill him if he tries
anything.
Day Ten:
V. dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat
edge of sword to whack Aragorn every time he tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the
dark.
Gandalf fell into bottomless pit.
Mr. Frodo said something
later about pointy wizard hat, but did not understand it as am innocent young
hobbit from Shire not versed in wordily ways.
Pippin says Legolas is
shagging Gimli.
Ick.
Day Fifteen:
Lothlorien v.
pretty. Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr. Frodo left, right and
center.
Pippin agrees.
Told Pippin height difference would make
relationship impossible.
Pippin said Mr. Frodo could stand on
stilts.
Hate Pippin.
Day Twenty-Two:
Leaving
Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady.
Not sure where going exactly, but is
obviously somewhere water-related, as have been given boats. Do not care really
as long as get to share boat with Mr. Frodo.
Day
Twenty-Three:
Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr.Frodo. Got
shot down of course (hurrah!) but not before made spectacle of
himself.
Claims was trying to take Ring so as to rule world and bring
down evil, but we all know that's a big fib don't we.
Day
Twenty-Four:
Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for
something.
Frodo off to Mordor. Taking me along, hurrah!
Mr. Frodo
needs cheering up as seems inexplicably sorry to say goodbye to Gimli, as well
as is depressed and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the barren
wastelands of the Dark Lord's realm.
We will see about
that.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF MERIADOC
BRANDYBUCK
DAY ONE
Got in trouble for setting off
fireworks at party. Suspect Gandalf not actually all that annoyed and was merely
excuse to get us young hobbit boys wet and lathered up. Became even more
suspicious when 'washing dishes' punishment followed by 'polishing Gandalf's
staff' punishment and ?'massaging Gandalf's feet' punishment and 'nude leapfrog
in the cabbage patch' punishment, I mean, who's he trying to kid, really?
Especially with the foot thing.
DAY TWO
V. promising
start to day when discovered carrot that was just right shape. Even more
promising when Pippin nabbed six cabbages, two bags potatoes, and three ears
corn, although cannot help but think Pippin being slightly over-optimistic. I
mean, could probably manage two ears corn, but not before breakfast.
All
went downhill though when bumped into Frodo and faithful bit of rough trade,
whoops, loyal manservant Sam, in cornfield. Pippin was prevented from extended
cuddle with Frodo by Sam, who in v. surprising butch moment tossed Pippin down a
cliff. In ensuing scuffle carrot was broken. Am v. sad.
DAY
THREE
Cutting across country with Frodo, Sam and Pippin. Are being
pursued by overdressed and v. crabby set of riders in outdated black ensembles.
As told Gandalf 'The Gray' earlier, monochromatic look is so out. Wonder if
Frodo avoiding bad breakup or jealous exes? Have heard hobbit-swapping all the
rage up in Hobbiton currently, although would not go in for that sort of thing
myself.
DAY FIVE
Everything going from bad to worse.
Stop-off in Bree resulted in pick-up of disaffected and unshaven human who is
obviously pervy hobbit-fancier, not that anyone listens to me. Insisted we all
share bed in his room instead of going back to own perfectly nice quarters, then
hung about all night most likely hoping for mad hobbit foursome under the
sheets. Didn't happen, but did have to spend all night hanging on to Pippin?s
belt to prevent him from climbing right over Sam and onto Frodo. Does Pippin
have death wish, or what?
DAY SIX
Was woken up most
unpleasantly as was being tickled by hobbit-fancying human. Told him to sod off
and he said 'That's not what you said last night.' After moment of confusion
realized he thought I was Pippin. Explained. Human slunk away, most embarrassed,
after explaining, 'I'm really meant to be King, you know.' Sure he is, and I'm
the Elf Queen of Mirkwood.
DAY SEVEN
In Rivendell. Have
been stuck sleeping right next to bathroom. Splashing noises all night long and
strawberry soap suds making floors all slippery. Woke up last night only to
discover Elrond had crawled into bed with me. Extricated himself with much
embarrassment after realizing hobbit he was groping under bedsheets was not
Pippin. Have decided to invest in name tag.
DAY
NINE
Have fixed carrot with special elf glue. Go
me!
DAY ELEVEN
Have agreed to go on Quest to keep eye
on Pippin. Also curious to see what will happen with Frodo, as Aragorn most
obviously fancies him. Sam will of course kill him if he tries
anything.
Hope he tries something.
DAY
FIFTEEN
Boromir teaching us how to swordfight. Typical human, most
unsubtle, always dropping sword down trousers and asking us 'little ones' to
come and get it. Boromir had a go at ruffling Frodo's hair today and Aragorn
almost snicked off his head. Humans so amusing. Caught Pippin eyeing the elf
doing his morning exercises today but managed to distract him with an eggplant.
Do not know what will do when run out of vegetables.
DAY
SIXTEEN
Boromir asked me to go for walk with him. Am not falling for
old 'Horn of Gondor' trick. Am not. Am not. Oh, bloody hell. Just this
once.
DAY NINETEEN
Am in bad mood. Boromir called me
'Pippin' at most inopportune time. Pointed out to him that I am Merry and that
we have been conducting meaningful relationship for three weeks, but he just
laughed and patted my head. Realize he actually cannot tell me apart from Pippin
either. Am doomed to be Indistinguishable Backup Hobbit forever, even in matters
of romance. Am considering dramatic haircut, perhaps mohawk of some
sort.
DAY TWENTY
Got mohawk but no one can see it as is
v. dark in Mines of Moria. Is difficult to keep eye on Pippin properly. Woke up
to discover Legolas sneaking under covers with me. Told him was not Pippin.
Legolas said, 'Not much difference really, eh?' In ensuing scuffle broke my
carrot again. Gave to Gandalf to fix. Gandalf said, 'Fool of a Took! I have
better things to do than mend your vegetables.' Did not correct Gandalf, as am
afraid of pointy hat.
DAY TWENTY-TWO
Gandalf fell into
shadow. Took carrot with him. Am most miffed. Did best to comfort Pippin, but
Pippin far more cheered by Legolas' nude rendition of Silmarillion: The Musical.
Could not watch myself - far too many high kicks.
DAY
TWENTY-EIGHT
In Lothlorien. Was visited by no less than fifty elves
and a woodchuck last night, all convinced was Pippin. Pippin of course nowhere
to be found, probably off with Boromir. Something must be done. Woodchuck
awfully persistent. Perhaps? no, certainly not.
DAY
THIRTY
Kidnapped by orcs. All according to plan. Have told Pippin
will have to shag our way out of captivity. Pippin seeming pleased. Wait till he
realizes I meant he will have to shag me to get out of captivity. In addition,
orcs have given me brand new carrot as reward for my having painted large yellow
target marks on Boromir while he was not looking. All in all a v. good
day.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF PEREGRINE
TOOK
DAY ONE
Was out pilfering vegetables when bumped
into Sam and Frodo. Had a nice little roll around with Frodo in corn before was
forcibly removed by Sam. Must have word with Frodo about letting servants get
overly familiar and grabby.
Fell down hill. Merry v. disappointed that he
broke his carrot. After he found one that was just the right shape,
too.
DAY TWO
V. nice in Rivendell. Sick of rooming with
Sam though. Constantly sopping wet and reeking of strawberries. Also tired of
elves mistaking me for unusually lifelike lawn ornament.
DAY
THREE
Joined Fellowship of Ring for a lark. Everyone v. nice except
Legolas seems a bit testy. Yesterday held me upside down over crevasse until I
admitted he was the prettiest elf in the Fellowship. Did not feel like pointing
out he was only elf in Fellowship, as crevasse was very deep.
DAY
SEVEN
Has been twenty-five days since met Aragorn and he has not yet
washed his hair. Is really starting to bother me.
DAY
NINE
Sam all wrong about Boromir. Really very nice man. Invited me to
go for a walk with him tonight and said he would let me blow his Horn of Gondor.
Can't wait.
Later that night
Always thought blowing the Horn of
Gondor was supposed to summon armies of the West?
Apparently
not.
V. educational, all the same.
DAY ELEVEN
V.
dark in mines of Moria. Still sort of a relief as means Boromir cannot corner me
and complain how Aragorn is insensitive, stuck up git with hobbit fixation. Pot
calling kettle black if you ask me. Aragorn obviously way into Frodo, however.
Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
DAY
THIRTEEN
Caught Legolas waxing soles of Aragorn's boots, thus
explaining why Aragorn keeps collapsing into his arms. Tricky
elf.
Aragorn still hasn't washed his hair.
DAY
FOURTEEN
Gandalf dead. Everyone morose. In attempt to cheer up
Fellowship, Legolas took off all his clothes and performed scenes from
Silmarillion: The Musical. Everyone still morose. Legolas ponced off to have
3,000-year-old elf prince sulk.
DAY FIFTEEN
Lothlorien
v. pretty. Accidentally walked in on Gimli taking a bath. Now understand what
Gandalf meant about there being scarier things than Orcs. And was that Aragorn
hiding under all the bubbles? May have nightmares for weeks.
DAY
SIXTEEN
Aragorn washed his hair. Hurrah.
Maybe it really was
him under all the bubbles.
DAY TWENTY
Boromir wrote me
a poem. Merry says I am leading him on. Of course, Merry also says I cry like a
girl. Merry a total bastard most of the time, actually.
Poem not very
good. Did not rhyme. Feel slighted.
DAY THIRTY
Told
Boromir I did not feel ready to commit, so he went and got himself shot by Orcs.
Honestly. Humans so oversensitive sometimes.
Have been kidnapped by
Uruk-hai. Not very friendly types. Merry says we may have to shag our way out of
captivity. Suspect Merry looking forward to it, useless wassock. Orcs v. smelly.
Suddenly miss Boromir.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF
GANDALF THE GREY
Day One:
In Shire. Stunning vista of
innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me, or was Frodo just hanging around in that
field masturbating before I came along?
Day
Two:
Bilbo's Birthday party improved by substantial amount of hobbit
weed. Everyone sho nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho pretty. Frodo not bad
either. Hobbits sho cuddly. Whups. Fellover.
Day
Three:
Massive fecking hangover. Off to Minas Tirith for some
aspirin.
Day Twelve:
Went to Saruman for advice about
Ring but he had become evil. Nobody tells me anything. Apparently there was a
memo. Radagast the Brown probably stealing paper out of my inbox
again.
Day Thirteen :
Stuck on top of tower. Great
view, but constant pelting sleet not good for pointy hat. Am amusing self by
spitting gum down on the Orcs.
Day Fourteen :
Visited
again by Saruman who tried to grab a feel. As if!
Day Sixteen
:
Am lonely. Saruman maybe not so unattractive after all. If only
were not for giantly flaring nostrils and huge clawlike fingernails...okay you'd
think I might have figured out he was evil before.
Day Nineteen
:
Escaped. Am in Rivendell. Sam slightly out of control. Keeps giving
Frodo baths. Elves all out of strawberry-scented soap now. Elrond getting
annoyed.
Day Twenty :
Elrond has decided to send Frodo
away as is tired of never being able to get into the first-floor bathroom. Big
folderol about Ring. Have agreed to go with Fellowship in case Sam might decide
to give ME a bath. Could use one.
Day
Twenty-One:
Aragorn obviously into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he
tries anything. Asked Sam to give me a bath. He said, "Ha ha, Mister Gandalf,
you're not serious." Useless git.
Day Twenty-Three :
V.
cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight about who got to carry Frodo up the
mountain. Boromir sulking. If Legolas keeps nancing about on top of the snow,
may have to hit him with my staff.
Day Twenty-Five :
Do
not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still angry about bad
date we went on back in Second Age.
Day Twenty-Six:
In
Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry.
Day
Twenty-Seven:
Fell into shadow. Balrog such a prat. Had to do some
quite unspeakable things before he would let me leave the caverns. Have decided
not to tell the rest of Fellowship. Will make up story about having engaged in
huge battle instead. Off to see Elrond to get quite unpleasant third degree
burns in embarassing places treated. Hope Elrond does not laugh at me. If he
does, will tell everyone about his dirty weekend with Sauron.
Ha!
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GIMLI - SON OF
GLOIN
DAY ONE
Grr. Argh.
DAY
TWO
Faffing about in Rivendell with stuck-up elves v. bad for my
digestion. Have asked Elrond to move me to second floor as cannot get into
bathroom here without being subjected to sight of hobbits bathing amongst
scented candles. Is ridiculous. Got splashed with strawberry bath foam
yesterday. On plus side, beard now silky and conditioned.
DAY
THREE
Elrond refuses to move my room. Walked in on hobbits again this
morning. What WERE they doing with that carrot? Inbred bunch of halfwits, no
wonder they can't even grow decent beards.
DAY
SEVEN
Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn of being pervy hobbit-fancier.
Completely ignoring hottie elf fianc?e in favor of barging about with
hairy-footed gnomes in leather breeches. Fortunately I, Gimli son of Gloin, am
here to take care of her loneliness.
Later.
Elf women just the
right height to keep my ears warm. Go me!
DAY NINE
Have
agreed to go on Quest. Arwen getting awfully grabby. Gimli son of Gloin will not
be tied down. Would rather spend time with touchy-feely hobbits and poncy elves
than hang about Rivendell taking about ?our relationship.?
DAY
THIRTEEN
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Big fight over who got to carry
hobbits up the mountain. Did not participate as was busy showing Legolas how to
get hair braided just right. Fight ended when Aragorn picked up Ringbearer and
stuffed him in his trousers. That?s right, Isildur?s Heir. Suffocate the
Ringbearer. Honestly, these people.
DAY FOURTEEN
In
Mines of Moria. May have made slight miscalculation, as it seems that cousin
Balin has been dead for at least sixty years. Suppose it should have occurred to
me that has been a while since last got Christmas card from the Moria folks.
Still, cannot be expected to keep track of everything.
DAY
FIFTEEN
Gandalf fell into shadow. Hobbits used as excuse to have
teary cuddlefest on rocks. Suffered manly embrace from Boromir, although he kept
jabbing Horn of Gondor into my solar plexus. At least, hope that was the Horn of
Gondor. Does not bear thinking about if not.
DAY
SIXTEEN
Legolas told me Aragorn is way into Frodo. Sam will kill him
if he tries anything. Suggested to Legolas that we might want a leader who is
less of a lech. Legolas then asked if I wanted to take a bath with him.
Beginning to suspect that all that Elvish poetry about the glory of
warrior-bonds between men just big cover-up for illicit spanking
games.
DAY TWENTY
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite the
babe. While hobbits off power cuddling and Boromir chasing Aragorn, had time to
show her a few dwarf tricks. Nothing fancy, just a bit of Hide the Helmet and
Delving In The Mines. V. satisfactory for everyone, except possibly Celeborn. On
second thought, maybe that was Celeborn. Cannot much tell difference with
elves.
DAY TWENTY-TWO
Left Lothlorien. Have been
paddling in boats for days. Am getting v. lonely. Hobbits looking not so bad.
Rather cute in fact, despite mullet haircuts. Cannot get near Frodo without
getting bitten on kneecaps by Sam, and Pippin dating Boromir, so will see if
perhaps Merry wants to take a nice moonlit stroll tonight. Hurrah for
warrior-bonds between men.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF
ARWEN UNDOMIEL
Day One
Broke up with Aragorn today. He
would insist on giving me a clay pipe and a pair of breeches for Valentine's Day
when I specifically requested a nightie. Have sent him away from
Rivendell.
Day Two
Bored and lonely. Regret having sent
Aragorn away. So what if he wanted me to dress up in a curly wig and hop around
on my knees during intimate moments? Am sure other humans have equally odd
hangups. Wish I could be interested in Elf men, but ever since debacle with
Glorfindel back in Second Age when he accused me of copying his hairstyle, have
given up on my own kind.
Day Three
Someone's been
trying on my dresses again. They are all stretched out of shape, especially the
purple one.
Day Six
Legolas got all shirty when I
accused him of trying on my dresses. He says I have impugned his masculinity.
What masculinity?
Day Eleven
Legolas still sulking.
Says other elves making fun of him now since whole dress-trying-on-incident.
Says they no longer take him seriously as a man. He must have missed it when
Daddy called him 'the gayest gay elf that ever nanced down the pike' at last
Council meeting. Or maybe he just didn?t understand it; he's awfully pretty, but
not so bright.
Day Thirteen
Too, too, too bored.
Perhaps will leave Rivendell in search of adventure, or
shopping.
Day Fifteen
Went all the way to the Gap of
Rohan only to find there is no Gap in Rohan. Not even a Banana Republic. False
advertising!
Day Seventeen
Went to Bree. Asked Barliman
if had seen Aragorn lately. Barliman said, 'What, that pervy hobbit-fancier?'
Told him he must be thinking of other Aragorn son of Arathorn. He said, 'The
Still Not King guy, right?' Did not respond; some people don't deserve my
conversation.
Day Eighteen
Have been following Aragorn
for two days now. Have never really seen hobbits close up before. Suddenly
business with curly wig and prosthetic feet starting to make sense. V. annoyed.
Slow burn.
Day Twenty
Doesn't he ever wash his hair
when I'm not around?
Day Twenty-Four
Is official.
Aragorn a complete pervy hobbit-fancier. Is obviously into little blue-eyed
hobbit Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day
Twenty-Five
Cornered Sam while he was out looking for herbs.
Explained to him exactly how was possible to kill human men instantly and
silently using just a fork and a rubber band. Turned him around, gave him little
push in Aragorn's direction... alas no dice. 'But we need him to protect
Frooodo, scary elf lady!'
Whingy little hobbit, I've no patience at
all.
Day Twenty-Six
Finally decided to take care of
Aragorn myself; was about to slit his cheating throat when was distracted by
howling moans of Ringbearer. Decided to annoy Aragorn by hobbit-napping
bite-sized hero and taking him for extended pony ride.
Little hobbit
really rather adorable, blast him.
Cannot believe am getting all swoony
over hobbit. Repeat to self: 'Aloof, unavailable elf princess. Aloof,
unavailable elf princess.' Especially cannot believe am getting all swoony over
greenish-looking, half-dead hobbit.
Day
Twenty-Seven
Chased by Ringwraiths. So tedious. Off to
Rivendell.
Day Twenty-Nine
Well, really. Cannot even
get near Ringbearer, as Sam is always there, plus caught Aragorn sneaking around
in shrubbery by hobbits? quarters. Claimed he was looking for shard of Narsil he
had misplaced.
Day Thirty
Hobbits such a bother.
Kitchen staff fussing - all out of carrots. Bathroom staff fussing - all out of
strawberry scented bath bubbles. Legolas fussing - will not let me go to Council
meeting as then he will not be prettiest. Strain is obviously getting to Daddy.
Asked me yesterday in haggard manner whether I thought purple suited his
complexion. Told him of course not, he is so obviously an
autumn.
Day Thirty-Two
Spent all day hanging about on
bridge looking pretty before Aragorn happened along. Accused him point-blank of
hobbit-fancying. He told me that Isildur had been a pervy hobbit-fancier, and he
was just trying to build his career in a similar fashion. Told him: 'You are
Isildur's heir, not Isildur himself.' To which he replied, 'If only you were a
bit shorter, and had bigger feet.'
Day Forty
Spent
quite the night with Gimli. Those braids! That axe! I am smitten. No more
hobbits for me, it is dwarves all the way now. Well, perhaps might just pop by
one last time to watch Sam give Frodo his bath. After all, I didn?t filch that
bathroom key out of Aragorn?s pocket for nothing.
THE
VERY SECRET DIARY OF ELROND
Day 1:
Bad breakup with
Isildur. As if the pervy hobbit-fancying wasn't bad enough, he would insist on
wearing tacky gold jewelry against my advice. Confirms my suspicions that humans
not just weakest race of Middle-Earth, but also cannot accessorize worth a
damn.
NB: Big battle, we won, Sauron defeated. Plundered Barad-dur but
notable lack of pretty things to take home. Sauron's decorating tastes
definitely running towards black, knobbly, tattered look. So not
me.
Day 3:
Isildur set upon by orcs and killed. Told
him his poor dress sense would attract all the wrong sorts.
Day
2,0045:
So bored in Rivendell. Have decided to hold council meeting
and name it after myself. Will invite all eligible males of Middle-Earth who
have nothing better to do on a weekend to come. Go me!
Hope Legolas does
not attend; still remember party in Second Age where he disappeared
mysteriously, along with two gallons of my favorite strawberry bath suds, a
bottle of olive oil, and three of those tiny hobbit creatures from the Shire
Isildur was so strangely fond of.
Day 200048:
Drat.
Legolas first one to RSVP to my party invitation. Wish he would not use scented
pink stationary as makes me sneeze. Did however offer to bring game of Twister
to play. Along with disco ball I borrowed from Sauron back in First Age, should
make for quite the party.
Day 200050:
Unexpected
surprise as Gandalf stopped by, apparently just to have a whinge about big fight
he had with Saruman. Tuned him out -- do I look like an Agony Aunt? Why does
everyone come to me with problems?
Day 200051:
Gandalf
does not like Twister idea and has rejected my suggestion of a polka music theme
for the Council. Instead insists we sit around and talk about boring old fate of
Middle Earth, defeat of ultimate evil, blah blah blah. Don't see why we all have
to suffer just because Isildur couldn't give up his jewelry
habit.
Day 200059:
Gandalf made me return disco ball to
Sauron. Told me to sort out my priorities. He should talk -- he's the one who
attracted a crowd this afternoon with that pointy hat trick he likes to do.
Glorfindel so horrified by pointy hat trick he would not stop sobbing
spasmodically until was calmed by liberal application of hobbit weed. New
generation of elves such wimps.
Day 200061:
Everyone
finally arrived for party -- oh wait, I mean boring-ass Secret Council Meeting.
Ponced off myself to have a sulk, and bumped into smallest hobbit hanging about
the greensward. Took him for inanimate lawn ornament at first, but soon was
furnished with proof that he was very much alive. Says his name is Pippin.
Perhaps Isildur was onto something with all those hobbits after
all.
Day 200068:
All right, who's been using all my
strawberry bath
bubbles?
Certainly wasn't Aragorn, judging by the
state of *his* hair.
Day 200071:
Loud giggly splashy
noises emanating from first floor bathroom. No one can get in. Legolas
practicing his nancing in the meeting hall, Boromir hanging about the shards of
Narsil, obviously hoping Aragorn will show up, and Gandalf still breaking in new
pointy hat. Tried to have a quiet think in the garden only to discover someone
had dug up all the carrots. Is there no peace to be had?
Day
200072:
Refused to let Arwen attend Council of Elrond, as if she
does, she will certainly notice I have borrowed her tiara.
Tiara looks
better on me anyway.
Day 200075:
Council very boring.
Got to say "DOOM" a few times in v. dramatic voice but am afraid Ringbearer was
not impressed as was busy fending off advances of
Aragorn, who was making all
sorts of suggestive sword comments. He better watch it. Sam will kill him if he
tries anything.
Tried to cheer self up by trying on favorite purple dress
of Arwen's, but am fairly sure someone was watching as could hear tittering
noise coming from broom closet. Do not see what is so funny -- purple dress
looks fabulous on me.
Day 200076:
Fellowship leaving
tomorrow. Decided to give Pippin goodbye tour of Rivendell. In process, purple
dress got all stretched out of shape. Hope Arwen does not notice -- she gets so
grabby about her things, and since they've closed the Gap of Rohan, probably no
way to get another dress like it.
Pippin told me purple is so my color.
Go me!
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF
GOLLUM
Day One
Popped over to attend Pervy Hobbit
Fanciers Anonymous Meeting in Misty Mountains only to discover was booby trap
set by Sauron.
Stupid Sauron.
Day Five
Held
captive by orcs in Barad-Dur. Have been forced to watch 'Flipper' over and over
until give in and tell them where Ring is. Damn evil methods of torture refined
over millennia. Will not give in. Will remain strong.
Day
Six
Orcs have switched to repeat viewings of 'The Faculty.' Cannot
cope. Have told them where Ring is.
Day Eight
Escaped
from Mordor. Have made way to Shire. Am v. disappointed that in last few weeks
no one has responded to personal ad placed in Shire Weekly. 'Toothless, fetid
greenish creature ISO blue-eyed curly-headed hobbit. Must enjoy squatting in
darkness, jewelry-fondling, and referring to self in third person. No
smokers.'
Day Ten
Finally caught up with Ringbearer in
Rivendell, but cannot get near him as is constantly being half-drowned in
bathtub by burly companion type, and have developed fear of water since being
forced to watch dolphin movie 300 times.
Ugh. Strawberries. Hate
strawberries.
Day Eleven
Attempt to infiltrate Council
of Elrond in lawn ornament disguise unsuccessful. Was stashed in storage closet
by annoying Glorfindel, where was trapped for hours while Elrond tried on all
Arwen's dresses in front of mirror, while muttering something about Legolas not
being the prettiest after all. Miss days of yore, when men were men and dwarves
were dwarves, and elves wore trousers. Although something to be said for
Legolas' boots-and-skirt ensemble.
Day Thirteen
Left
Rivendell, following Fellowship. Sent Elrond anonymous letter telling him purple
does not suit his complexion. Expect to hear screams of rage all the way to Gap
of Rohan.
Day Fifteen
Cannot believe men still using
hoary old 'Blow the Horn of Gondor' pickup line. Remember when original plans to
have Xylophone of Gondor scrapped by Steward in favor of silly-looking horn. Now
know why.
Too bad for Isildur's Heir, who has no Horn of Gondor (and
hobbits have expressed no interest in his stubble collection) since he obviously
fancies Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day
Thirty
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Everyone wants to carry Frodo up
mountain. Nobody wants to carry me up mountain.
Stowed away in Legolas'
backpack but excessive nancing was not good for stomach. Have been sick all over
elf collection of hair care products. Hope he does not notice.
Day
Thirty One
V. Dark in Mines of Moria. Bad for ogling. Have been
following sounds of Legolas complaining loudly about state of his backpack and
dank air of Moria being bad for his skin. Gandalf stuck gum in his hair while he
wasn?t looking. Rather like Gandalf. Always has gum.
Day Thirty
Three
Met up with Balrog in nattily decorated subterranean bachelor
pad. Balrog v. mopey. Still carrying torch for Gandalf. Told him best course of
action was to try to talk it out, explain to Gandalf that while they are two
extremely different people, with value systems and lifestyles that are in
complete opposition to each other's, romance not ruled out. Balrog said this
sounded like meaningless New Age claptrap. Told Balrog to get out of Second Age,
start living in the now.
Day Thirty Four
Balrog-Gandalf
conversation did not go as well as hoped, resulting in gory death of both.
Perhaps was not cut out to be matchmaker after all.
Lurked and observed
big hobbit cuddlefest on rocks. Nobody ever wants to cuddle me, just because am
misshapen and covered in slime, so unfair. Gimli no big looker either but gets
mad schnoogles from Boromir anyway.
Day Thirty Six
In
Lothlorien. Attempt to lure Indistinguishable Backup Hobbits away from
Ringbearer by placing carrots around was foiled when Legolas found carrots and
used them to make facial mask. Aragorn told him was embarrassed to be seen with
him while face covered in carrot mulch. Legolas complained he is not getting any
younger. Aragorn pointed out he wasn?t exactly getting any older,
either.
Day Thirty Nine
Nobody hitting on me. Cannot
cope. Off to stalk Ringbearer in Mordor. Perhaps after bite off his finger and
steal Ring, he might not mind having dinner with me. Will just have to figure
out how to get around Sam first.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY
OF SAURON
Day One:
Dirty weekend with Elrond turned
sour when I told him purple was not his color.
Day
Five
Have been marched against by last alliance of men and nancing
elves. Is transparent attempt by Elrond to get back at me for comment about
purple. I will not take it back! I told him purple made him look like an
eggplant, and it does. Is no need for him to get so shirty about
it.
Day Six
Is not that being defeated by last alliance
is so bad, is not even that being reduced to a disembodied eyeball is so bad,
although Visine would be a comfort. But whose bright idea was it to slice onions
in here?
-later-
Blast those orcs and their fondness for onion
dip. Have taken their disco ball away. God, it's fun to be
evil.
Day Three Million Five:
Am bored. Have been
waiting for Middle-Earthlink guy to come and install DSL in Barad-Dur since
second-age. Will use palantir as alternative to personal ads, as am
lonely.
Day Three Million Seven:
I spy with my
big-huge-nasty-flaming eye...something resembling a novelty dashboard ornament.
Which King of Angmar tells me it's a hobbit. Is rather cute. On the smallish
side, but I'm hardly one to talk appearances these days.
Day Three
Million Nine:
ARGH! That tiny bloke has MY
RING!
later..
Have sent the nine to fetch ring back. If nine
succeeds in sorting their elbows from asshats, that is.
Day Three
Million Eleven:
Have met v. nice bloke over the palantir. An older
gent, seems to have copied hairstyle from Galadriel, but no matter. He likes me
for me. Finally someone to see past the eyeball. Will send him packet of
glittery barrettes.
Day Three Million Thirteen:
Tried
to ask Saruman over for dinner, but lost nerve at last moment and said some
idiotic thing about building an army instead. Is somewhat amusing watching him
play violin for orcs and goblin men in attempt to spark romance, so will not
clear up confusion just yet.
Day Three Million
Sixteen:
Wonder if Saruman becoming somewhat deaf? Told him I was
hoping we could delineate boundaries of relationship, instead he defoliated
Isengard.
Day Three Million Twenty:
Some bearded tart
with pointy hat trying to horn in on my action. Hmmm. Ex-boyfriend?
Think
Saruman may have put him in guest bedroom. Will have to ask S. to
clarify.
Day Three Million Twenty-One:
Elrond having
another of his disastrous parties. Why was not invited?
Just because have no
body and cannot play twister with Legolas is no reason to snub
me.
Day Three Million Twenty-Two:
Have been watching
Fellowship through palantir. Ringbearer really v. pretty, I must admit, with big
soulful eyes and little hairy feet. What I wouldn't give for a body and a
shower-cap right now. Although bath-obsessed hobbit companion would probably
kill me if I tried anything.
Day Three Million
Twenty-Three:
Bored bored bored, so caught up on palantir-watching
today. Lovely place, Moria, used to vacation there. Pointy-hatted ex-bf seemed
nervous; sent word to Bob to keep an eye out. I mean a look out. I mean... oh
bugger.
Day Three Million Twenty-Four:
No word back
from Bob. Suspect he is moping. Never could sort out his love life. Always
whining and writing in his journal. Bloody sensitive demon types, no use at
all.
Day Three Million Twenty-Five:
Pointy hatted ex
fell into shadow. Down with the competition! Ringbearer moping. Suspect Aragorn
son of Arathorn might like to have a go at cheering him up. Apparently something
of a pervy hobbit-fancier. So that?s why the blood of Numenor died
out.
Day Three Million Twenty-Six:
Fellowship in
Lothlorien. Oh god, Galadriel Galadriel Galadriel. It's always about HER. Paint
my toenails, Sauron. Don't touch my hair, Sauron. I want a pretty ring, Sauron.
Then she goes off with slabbish oaf Celeborn. Bet HE cannot forge twenty rings
of Power.
Suspect bitch-slap fight brewing between Galadriel and Legolas
as to which of them can nance around better while holding water pitcher. Cannot
help but roll my eye over this. Time to toss some Jiffy Pop into Mount Doom and
watch the fireworks.
later
Well, would you look at that dwarf
getting it on with Celeborn. I tell you, three Million years on Middle-Earth and
some things still surprise me.
Day Three Million
Twenty-Nine:
Finally some decent fighting. Orcs killed : four
hundred, v. bad. Humans killed : one. Go Uruk-Hai!
Is it just me, or is
Aragorn son of Arathorn kinda gay?
Maybe is just
me.
The Very Secret Diary of Saruman the
White
DAY ONE
Am bored. No cable in Isengard. Nothing
to do but write rude anonymous letters to Radagast the Brown and Manfred the
Slightly Ecru.
Perhaps will have a look at the
palantir.
DAY TWO
Have met v. nice guy via palantir. He
seems to really like me for me and not just because am most powerful wizard in
Middle Earth. Wonder what he looks like.
DAY THREE
Am
becoming disenchanted with palantir guy. Refuses to send me photo, except of one
v. large eyeball. Says he is shy but I rather suspect he is fat, or perhaps
hairy. Have heard some v. bad stories about palantir relationships. Should
probably cool it for a while.
DAY SEVEN
Well, wouldn't
you know, palantir guy turned out to be Dark Lord of Mordor. Just my luck. Could
have been worse, I guess. Sauron not far or hairy, just disembodied force of
evil. Must go now, have to raise massive demon army to scourge the earth. Also,
have manicure appointment. Is no easy task keeping nails
pointy.
DAY NINE
Typical. Gandalf just came waltzing by
and he knows I hate drop-ins. Wanted to yap on and on all about the ring he gave
his new boyfriend, terrible pervy hobbit-fancier old Gandalf is. Disgrace to the
Order. Just wants to show off and remind me that he's got a hobbit, and I'm just
dating an eyeball. Well, Saruman the White does not stand for this treatment.
Showed him my Wizard Wrestling Federation moves. Have delivered smackdown. Go
me.
DAY THIRTEEN
Am tired of climbing up and down eight
million stairs just to taunt Gandalf. Should have imprisoned him in easy-access
dungeon where could ! taunt more effectively, and would not have to wait until
after breakfast.
DAY FOURTEEN
All right, who's been
spitting gum down on the orcs? Honestly.
DAY
FIFTEEN
Was right in middle of really good taunt and Gandalf escaped.
Ah well. Will save me daily stair climb.
DAY
SIXTEEN
Have been watching in palantir. Gandalf faffed off on
extending camping trip with four hobbits, a v. buff elf, and rather fanciable
human -- oh bother, that's Aragorn son of Arathorn. Once threw him out of
Isengard for whinging about not being King yet. Then theree's a shady-looking
character and some kind of hairy newt. Or maybe it's a dwarf.
What a
bunch of yobbos.
DAY TWENTY
Have crossed orcs with
goblin men in caverns below Isengard. V. tedious experience as orcs and goblin
men most reluctant to breed, even with dinner and flowers. Next time will try
something easier, such as breeding goblins and cheerlea! ders to create
super-perky army that can travel by day and will not complain about pink
uniforms.
DAY TWENTY-TWO
Did not know when decided to
make demon army for Sauron that would be so darn messy. Curse my decision to be
Saruman the White. Should have decided to be Saruman the Muddy Brown, or Saruman
the Faintly Greenish. White just shows all the slime.
DAY
TWENTY-FOUR
If keep watching in palantir, perhaps will see Gandalf do
pointy hat trick?
DAY TWENTY-FIVE
Gandalf did pointy
hat trick! Ringbearer v. impressed. Aragorn obviously fancies trousers off the
Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
DAY
TWENTY-FIVE
Hairy newt is most definitely dwarf. Caught him playing
hide-the-helmet with one of the hobbits. Other human seems to be Boromir of
Gondor. Am I only one who has long wanted to ride to Minas Tirith and tell
Steward that "Gondor" sounds just like "gonad" and they should f! ind less silly
name? Perhaps it is just me.
DAY TWENTY-EIGHT
Uruk-hai
nearly ready to go. Watched Fellowship a bit today. Boromir convinced smallest
hobbit to "Blow the Horn of Gondor." Have not laughed so hard since set Balrog
up with Gandalf during Second Age and Gandalf stuck Balrog with restaurant bill.
Palantir great. Better than cable.
The Very Secret
Diary of Theoden
Day One
Desperately in need of new
personal assistant. Have contacted Ninety Minute Minion Services in Isengard.
Seems best bet as if minion does not arrive in ninety minutes you get free Orc.
Do not actually know what would do with Orc if had one, so do hope minion
arrives on time.
Day Two
New minion arrived. Not best
looking bloke I've ever clapped eyes on, but then again, not everyone can be
brainless pretty boy with big show-off ponytail like Eomer. Little does Eomer
know Wormtongue has promised me new makeover with Saruman's personal line of
beauty products. Has promised me I will look fresh and
youthful.
Day Three
Is that a grey
hair?
Day Four
New makeover gone horribly awry. Do not
look fresh and youthful, instead resemble albino dwarf after two years pickling
in the Dead Marshes.
Suspect Wormtongue has crush on Eowyn. Cannot blame
him as Eowyn quite smoking. Don't know where she gets off being so high and
mighty. Have told her - pose for Shield Maidens Gone Wild you must expect some
male attention.
Day Six
Why has no one noticed I now
resemble a weevil? Not has Eomer commented on my new mascara. Eomer so spoiled.
"I want a party. I want a pony." Have banished him from Rohan for
whining.
Day Seven
Have reversed opinion on makeover.
Am now quite taken with new look, as is so alarming no one bothers me. Can sit
on throne all day in peace. Much needed vacation. Citizens of Edoras so tiresome
and unhygenic.
Day Eight
Vacation over. Gandalf arrived
sporting alarming new makeover of his own. Gandalf no fun. Cannot abide anyone
else having new and daring look. Prima Donna!
Brought along three boy
toys of varying sizes. My squadron of hand picked bodyguards totally whupped by
tiny hairy newt, pretty boy elf and unshaven tramp. Obviously, need better
screening process.
Day Ten
Attacked by Orcs. Aragorn
"No Skillz 2 Pay Da Billz" Son of Arathorn fell over cliff, thus avoiding
sticking around for battle. So much for Hero King of Men.
Day
Eleven
Have arrived at Helms Deep. Time for a nice long
nap.
Day Eleven, Later
Nap disturbed by return of Aragorn,
who is not so dead after all. Apparently, absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs
headed this way. Morale of men not improved by Aragorn's craven attempts to
sneak away through side door. Have misdirected him to wine cellar three times
now. If I am not getting away from this, neither is he. Is all his fault
anyway.
Am not sure how, but it is.
Day
Thirteen
Where is the horse and the rider? No, seriously, where are
they? That was my favorite horse.
Day Thirteen,
Later
Losing battle spectacularly. Who is surprised? Not
me.
Day Sixteen
Heroic self-sacrificing death scene
ruined by arrival of Gandalf and still-insufferable Eomer. Why did Gandalf wait
until dawn to arrive? Suspect is so he would be most attractively backlit while
riding down hill. Drama Queen. Have gotten revenge on him by telling all my men
Gandalf is wearing fishnets under white robe. First one who snaps his garter
gets to snog Legolas.
Who wields the flame of Arnor now, you poncy
tosser? | |
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