A Guide to Fox Hunting

Posted in Written by Funny.co.uk on January, 02 2004 5:35 PM

 

Fox Hunting

Your Questions Answered

What is Fox Hunting?

Most of us have heard of Fox Hunting, and have probably developed strong opinions about it.  Some of these opinions are valid, some are not, and others were formed when people half-overheard a coversation about it and thought people were talking about Glacier Mints, so some opinions are also irrelevant.

There is a large number of people involved in the Fox Hunting industry, but the most common route into it is somewhat suprising.  It usually starts when a drama or theatre studies graduate undertakes a career working in the theatre.  They will be appointed the role of Production Assistant.  They will then add this to their CV using the common abbreviation for the role: "Prod. Ass."   Then, when looking for future work the interviewer at the job centre will ask what previous work the candiate has done, and they will reply "Prod ass".  At which point they will get shipped off to Bangkok to work as a rent boy.  Life on the streets of Bangkok will be tough, and the boy will dream of a life as a fox back in England.  Longing for freedom and a fuzzy tail.  He will sideline in selling noodles to the locals until he has saved up enough money to fly back to England.  He will then start work in a career as a fox.  After several long years of hard work he would then typically be promoted to the role of Beagle, then to Bugle, then Horse and finally promoted to being a Toff.  Selling the remaining noodles will generally generate funds to facilitate the purchase of a country estate.  He may now begin hunting foxes.

What happens to the Fox once it is Caught

There are several things that may happen to a fox once it is caught.  It will usually be killed, in a sacrifice to the God of Foxes.  This sacrifice ensures the favour of the god, who in reward will provide future supply of foxes.  For every two foxes sacrifices one additional fox is placed on Earth, and it is this maths that generally fuels the argument that Fox Hunting helps reduce the population of foxes.

Some foxes, once killed are use to make products.  In the same way that cows are killed to make leather for shoes, bags, and wipe-clean fetish utensils, foxes can be used in the same way.  The following Products are typical and can be found in most highstreet shops:

Fig.1 - A Fox-Skin Hat

 

Fig.2 - Fox Skin Shoes

 

Fig.3 - Fox Skin Hubcaps

 

Of course not all foxes are killed.  Some foxes survive the trauma of the hunt.  These foxes are rounded-up and sent to concentration camp.  In these camp, foxes are held, up to 14 foxes per cell, and under go a strict regime.  Held at her majesty's pleasure under charges of "Being a Fox" the foxes can be incarcerated for upto 5 years.  During this time they under-go re-skilling and rehabilitation so that they may be released back into society.  However, unfortunately re-offending rates are high, and most foxes released are thought to be guilty of "Being a Fox" within hours of being released.

At this point it is worth pinting out that sometimes during a hunt the beagles defect to the opposition.  Punishment is strict.  Any beagle thought to be a fox-sympathiser is blind-folded, tied to a stake and shot with a poisoned dart fired from a bugle.

 

Arguements in Support of Fox Hunting

Fox hunting supports a whole industry, sustaining important jobs in the community such as Beagle Polishing / Tail Straightening,  Being a Fox, and Bugle Tuning.  A ban on hunting could put millions out of work, or at least cost a fortune in retraining people to get a different kind of shine out of a beagle. 

Hunting also keeps the fox population down, and supporters argue that the formal fox hunt is the most efficient way to do this.  However, it is worth pointing out that there is a far bigger population of foxes in the cities than there is in the country.  Because of this, we wonder why you never see "Inner-City Fox Hunting".  This would be a fantastic sport.  Instead of a group of toffs chasing a fox across the countryside on horseback you would have a group of 20 skinheads in Ford Escorts chasing a fox through the streets of Tooting-Beck shouting " 'ERE, FOX! YOU WANT SOME!?!" and "OI! YOU LOOKING AT MY BIRD YOU LITTLE RED BASTARD".  Instead of a using beagles the hunt would be supported by a pack on youths with baseball caps and flick-knives.  The start of the hunt would be signalled, not with a bugle or trumpet, but with the sound of an over-large Bass Speaker played out of the boot of a 1980's Vauxhall Nova with a cheap plastic body-kit.  Once the fox is caught it would be surrounded and nutted to death.

 

Arguments Against Fox Hunting

People argue that the injuries to foxes are horrific, but extensive research carried out by 'The League of Supporters for Sports that Inflict Massive Pain and Injury to Foxes' claims that foxes do not have conventional nereous systems, and cannot feel pain as we know it.  Instead, to a fox, pain is experienced as a warm fuzzy feeling followed by a general feeling of being happy to be alive. 

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