Posted in Written by on July, 06 2003 3:20 AM

"Chess." We've all heard of it, but how many of us really know what it is. We thought that it was about time we set the record straight. Basically "Chess" is when two people in thick NHS glasses stay behind after school to play "Chess" with each other. At first we thought that this might be just an excuse for some other sad activity like comparing animal footprint photographs or telling eachother about exciting episodes of "going for gold" that they have videoed and transcripted. So we infiltrated their hobby to find out exactly what the truth is behind "Chess". Amazingly they do actually spend hour after hour playing "Chess". We found out exactly what "Chess" involves and now have a breakdown of how the game works which we will give to you because we're such nice people.


Chess: The rules

Chess is played on a plank of wood patterned to ressemble the table cloth you always see in Tom and Jerry cartoons, or being worn by Yassa Arrafat. Each player has 16 peices of plastic which each have names and their own unique identities, but then people who don't have their own chess sets just don't understand do they? I mean, it's just like another member of the family isn't it?

The pieces are as follows:

First there are 8 prawns. These prawns have a mental dissorder which means that they can only walk forward in a straight line, unless an opposition piece is situated in a diagonal direction to it, in which case they hurl themselves at it in a mad blood fury and kill it.

Then standing behind them (from left to right) are:

A rook. This rook is in no way a rook, it has no feathers, it can not fly and does not eat worms. Instead it is a castle (slight misprint in the rules me-thinks) with bricks and everything, even loft insulation. This castle can actually, however move (but not fly). It can only move in straight lines but just like a real castle it can move as far as you possibly want it to, but not over the edge of the board because that would be unrealistic. Some people see the movement of the castle as a disadvantage but it's a bloody castle, it moves, it wouldn't normally, what more do you want!?

The Knight. The knight is not actually a knight in metal armour with a big horse between his legs and neither is it the opposite to day. In fact it is a horsey, and, like a real horsey, it can jump over things, but unfortunately it can not kick people in the nads. As far as movement is concerned another disapointment is encountered, that being that this horse is pissed and can only stagger about irrationally.

The Bishop. Many historians have wondered why the Bishop, a man of the cloth has been represented by a piece somewhat resembling a large penis. This piece in true Christian style runs around the board diagonally, hacking people to death with a big stick. We have heard that in the next rules update there will be rules to allow the bishop to fly about the board with a jetpack dropping napalm on everyone.

The Queen. The queen stands next to the penis (slight subliminal message me thinks again. Me is doing a lot of me thinking me thinks). The queen can move in any direction whatsoever which could explain why the king always looks haggard.

The King. The king is married to the queen. He is usually a bit pissed off because of the media invasion of his privacy. The king only moves slowly because he is an old aged pensioner, although we have heard that in the next edition that he will be getting one of those electric buggies that old people always have outside the post-office to drive about in. This will also have a spiked blade on the front for mowing down prawns with.

The remaining three pieces are yet another Knight, Penis and Rook. A bit of repetition there. The reason for this is that these pieces are evil twins of the originals on the left intent on enslaving them and bringing mankind quivering to it's knees.

Taking. Other than the prawns, all pieces take/kill/murder/disembowel pieces that are in a space that they move onto. When this happens one of the trainspotter types takes the other trainspotter type's piece away, leaving their own in it's place, and the losing trainspotter type will start to cry/tantrum. There are invariably cases of Chess players gauging their eyes out when they attempt to wipe them with the arm of their cagoules.

Other rules in terms of movement include something called castling. This is where the king disappears off inside the tower for a quick pint and no-one sees him again for the next few hours.

The game is won when one specky dies of boredom.

Useful Tactics:
Here is a selection of useful tactics to help you win a game of chess.
  1. Say to your opponent "Look behind you, there's a space shuttle", then kick him in the bollocks.
  2. Fake a heart attack and when your opponent runs off to call an ambulance hide all of his pieces in your shoe.
  3. Set light to one of your opponent's pieces
  4. Set light to the chess board
  5. Set light to your opponent
  6. Say "This is shit, I give up" and go off for a fag.
  7. Impersonate a sprout.

The history of chess:
Chess was invented way back in the swirly mists of time, way back in the year 1994. It was devised by a man. He was named John Chess, with help from his wife Jess Chess (although he claims it was his parents who actually named him). One day John Chess was walking through the woods near his home when he found the mutilated body of his wife lying next to a "Chess" board. "OH MY GOD!!!!!" he Screamed, "A CHESS BOARD!!!!!"

He slung his wife's body in a ditch and took the chess board home. Then suddenly he thought to himself "I know! I could invent a game in which each player has 16 pieces made up of 8 prawns, a king, a queen, 2 moving castles, 2 pissed knights, and a pair of penises to whom I could refer to as clergymen!".

He got home and carved out the appropriate pieces with his "My first board game piece carving set" and then took a large knife and cut off his penis, varnished it, and painted it white, and then did the same to his brother. Suddenly he realised that he would need an alternate colour for the opposing pieces and so immediently signed up for and african expedition with national geographic magazine. Collecting the appropriate pieces he returned 15 minutes later and got the game published by Waddingtons, Action GT., Matel, and Bandai.

Ten minutes later he published a PC game, and quickly made Nintendo and Sega, specifically as platforms to play "Chess-The Computer Game" on. He then released novelty "Chess" T-shirts, lunch boxes, badges, flasks and baseball caps. A quarter of an hour later he raided the charts with an instant no.1 hit, "Don't Stop, Chessey Chessey" which held position for 15 weeks not quite beating Brian Adams with the song "Everything I do is play Snakes and Ladders with you".

He then realised he had left a pint of milk in his airing cupboard and when he recovered it he found he had a semi-hard protein based food substance. He adapted the word "Chess" as a clever marketing ploy into "Cheese" . By this point he controlled 78% of the worlds wealth. He used this money to build a time machine and traveled back to the beginning of creation and placed the chess board in the ditch where he had found it and then just for a laugh bio-engeneered a race which he later named man kind and at that point realised that he was god, and so changed his name to John God Chess.

Before returning to his own time and dimension, he employed a shrewd bit of marketing and tattooed Adidas on all of the dinosaurs.


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