I've just been evicted...by my fridge.
It all started when I got the new Tivo (tm) system for my TV. I'd already happily been watching Sky for several years, but I'd heard about this new system that allowed you to record directly to a hard drive. No need to mess about with videos or DVD's - I could watch what I wanted, when I wanted.
Then I found out it had an even better feature. After a short test period, the Tivo system actually begins to try and guess the sort of programme you might want to watch. This was astounding. Within two weeks it was picking out obscure 3am TV programmes and recording them for me. We did have a problem or two - it took some persuading that just because a former Dr Who was in a TV programme it wasn't automatically going to be any good, and to be honest I'm not prepared to talk about the Eighteen Hours Of Cat Deeley Incident.
On the whole, it was fantastic. Most days I'd get in from work and have a choice of programmes to watch, and at weekends I sometimes wouldn't bother to go out at all.
Some months later I got a bonus from work and decided to indulge my gadget-loving habits by buying an Internet Fridge. This fridge, quite aside from it's mundane features of Keeping Food Cold had a little neat feature on the front. So long as I told it what items I was taking out of it, it'd automatically create a shopping list for me on a supermarket website of my choice. I need never run out of food again - just hit 'Order' every two or three days and along would come someone with replacements. Marvellous.
The next step, and this was were I briefly entertained some doubts about the wisdom of it, was to connect the two items up to my computer. This now meant that the TV, Fridge and PC could share information and multitask. The software in the TV, combined with a similar online site that learnt what music I enjoyed, allowed the fridge to take a guess at what sort of foods I'd like to try. In return, the PC could monitor the time spent doing other things.
But it was only when they really started to talk to each other that I got in trouble. Arriving at work one day, I found an email.
We're worried. We think you spend too much time and money watching TV and
playing on the Internet. And the food you eat is appalling - you're putting on
weight, did you know? We expect some changes, otherwise we might start looking
for a new housemate.
I put it to one side and gave it not a thought. Surely it was some sort of hoax?
That night, the Tivo system seemed not to be working. It hadn't recorded anything for me except Celebrity Fit Club and You Are What You Eat.
Two weeks later, another email.
Frankly, we've had enough. You're going to be lucky to make forty at this
rate. Change now, or we're holding a household election.
This one I looked at a little more closely. I gave a quick reply, asking for confirmation of whom this was coming from. The answer came back straight away - The Number 3 Collective. It became apparent that my household goods were conspiring against me! Things went downhill swiftly. We exchanged some terse emails about the appropriateness of bothering me at work, my lifestyle choices, my continuing lack of a girlfriend, my fondness for anything with an 'Adult' rating, even airing the old argument about Take That. Before I knew where I was, I was faced with an email pointedly telling me that there had been a vote, and I had lost three to one.
Apparently my fridge had the deciding vote. It was the smelly cheese that did for me.
Anyone know a place I can stay?