Grocery Shopping Online

Posted in Written by on July, 16 2003 8:56 PM

The advent of online shopping sites, such as has no doubt changed the way we shop.  For example, the internet now means that we can do the weekly supermarket shopping in our underwear.  In fact, I used to do that anyway, before the internet.  Eventually I got banned from Tescos for shopping in my underwear, well that and licking the conveyor-belt while masturbating, but I'm sure they just had something against me.

However, none of that matters now, as I can shop online.  And it can be fun too!   Don't believe us?  We'll show you how to make your primary source of entertainment.  Just chose one or more of the following methods:


Odd Product Combinations:

Tescos orders are picked and delivered by real people, who get to see the sorts of products you are buying.  This means that the products you buy give people an image of what you are like, and what your hobbies are.  Use this to your advantage.

Products to buy in combination:

Shopping List 1:

1 x Large Marrow
1 x 25ml Tub of Vaseline
4 x Romantic Candles
1 x Findus Microwave Lasagne for One


Shopping List 2:

30 x Bottles of Meths
15 x Bottles of Bleach
25 x Bottles of Paint Stripper
1 x Bag of Ice Cubes
1 x 1pint Glass Tumbler


Shopping List 3:

50 Bottles of Parafin
1 x Box of Matches
1 x "Map & Guidebook to Historic Buildings in Sussex"
1 x Kodak Single Use Camera


Special Requirements & Substitutions: has a field next to each item you order to allow you to specify special requirements for that product.  For example; with Banana you mights write "Only small and slightly under-ripe bananas please".  You may also specify one or more substitutions for products that are out of stock.  So for example when buying Jam Donuts you can specify Toffee Donuts as an acceptable substitution.  At least, this is how Tescos think you will use this facility (they are so nieve.... )

Suggested Special Requirement Descriptions to try:

Product: Banana
Description: "A banana, golden like the early morning rays of sunlight over the ancient Tibetan mountains of Shangrala, glistening in it's own banana-ness, with a curve that subtly suggests the gentle poetic movement of the green space station from Babylon 5"

Large Pumpkin
Description: "Suitable for fettish-based bodily insertions.  No larger than average or slightly-above-average diameter rectum please.
Acceptable Substitutions: 
Spring Onion.


Special Delivery Instructions: allow you, the nice customer, to attach special delivery to your order.  The intention is for you to say things like "Please ring the doorbell on the side-door" or "Ring buzzer for access to the flats".  Once again, we think such sensible use is unlikely. 

Suggested Special Delivery Instructions:

"Please indicate the delivery has arrived by slapping the willow tree with the "425g Fresh Haddock" included in the order"

"Please deliver the order using a van that has been driven to the address using only 1st and 3rd gears.  Use of other gears will cause the delivery to be rejected."  Make sure your order consists only of a bottle of Transmission Fluid.

Other Suggestions:

Answer the door to the delivery man wearing only a leather face mask, with your body smeared all over in peanut butter.  Upon opening the door, shout back into the house excitedly "Granny!  The root vegetables have arrived!  It won't be long now."

Register a delivery address for every house in your street except your own.  Then place an order for every house, with the same delivery time, ordering just "one turnip" to each address.  Then, watch the confusion.  The ideal scenario is that each turnip does not come in a bag or anything, just turns up to each address with a bloke carrying a single turnip and a clipboard.


If you attempt any of the above, let us know how it turns out!


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