How To Behave
In a Lift:
As a lift is a somewhat confined space it is best not to do anything to trouble the people with whom you are sharing it. Just follow these simple guidelines.
- When the lift approaches your floor, scream with rage and tug at the door until it opens, then sheepishly apologise.
- Hold a conversation with a fellow passenger about the highly communicable disease the doctor diagnosed you with earlier.
- Sing "The Scotsman" at the top of your lungs, pausing every few seconds to make bagpipe noises.
- Upon reaching your floor push all the buttons as you get off.
- Pretend you are going to vomit.
- Grab peoples bottoms and say, "Oh I'm sorry" and then do it again.
- See what the alarm button does.
- Suddenly become claustrophobic, start to hyperventilate and act as though you are going to die. As you hit the floor, start convulsing and shaking, make lots of gurgling noises and drool a bit. Wave your arms frantically and hit people in the feet and make more gurgling noises. Then, at your floor, stand up, discretely say you are sorry and leave.
The Computer Room:
The computer room is a place of work. You must respect this and the fact that many of the people present are here to study and would not take kindly to being unnecessarily disturbed.
- Every so often, reach over to your neighbours keyboard and push a few keys then resume your work as though nothing happened.
- Sit there with the monitor turned off and tap the keyboard sporadically and laugh to yourself like an idiot.
- While working on the computer, scream out "Oh my God, they've tracked me down" and run from the room.
- As soon as the room is quiet, scream like a girl and hide under your desk.
- If you go to save your work and find that your disk is full, just reach over and eject that of the person sitting next to you. Don't forget to say thank-you.
- When everyone is busily typing away stand up, produce a large sledge-hammer, smash the monitor into a million pieces shouting "NO I DON'T WANT TO SAVE CHANGES!!!!" before sitting down and resuming your typing.
In A Driving Test:
The main thing you must remember in a driving test is that you are on show. Your skills are being judged, and everthing you have been studying must be put into practice.
- When approching a shallow bend remove your hands from the steering wheel, place them over your eyes, and begin to scream hysterically; "Help, Help, We're going to DIE!".
- On coming up to a pelican crossing, accelerate to approximately 60mph and mow down pedestrians. Turn to your instructor and say "Bloody death-trap those crossings, they should be banned!"
- Show respect to your instructor by calling him/her "Darling".
- When travelling along a motorway, and missing the exit you were meant to take, open the car door and leave.
- When the instructor hits the dashboard to signal an emergency stop, wrap the gearstick around his neck.
- On a multi-lane one way system, calmly carry out a turn in the road manoeuvre and start playing "chicken" with oncomming traffic.
- Drive round the first roundabout you come across as fast as you can for about three minutes before driving into the middle of it and proceeding to sing "I'm the king of the castle"