Technology For All

Posted in Written by Funny.co.uk on May, 17 2003 6:17 PM

THE MUSIC SYSTEM: 


What is a music system?


A music system is a clever electrical device which allows you to hear a band playing music in the comfort of your own home without them actually having to be there. The music is stored a variety of mediums. The smallest medium is the cassette tape, the medium medium is the CD, and the huge, massive, old, out of date medium is the vinyl record.


The History of the Hi-Fi and how it works.

The Hi-fi was invented in 1943 when a Jazz band accidentally turned up to a gig in a big black plastic box. The audience liked this idea a lot and bought big black boxes with jazz bands in for their own homes. But they quickly found that the band expired after about 50 to 60 years, rendering the Hi-fi useless and emitting a funny rotting smell. It was then that some bright spark came up with the idea of adapting the video cassette into a smaller version for audio use.

After a number of technological developments the Hi-fi became an electrical device full of wires, components and glass valves. These days the valves are no longer used and instead all modern hi-fi's now work on a system called "magic". This is the reason for which Mr. John Dolby-Surround was burned at the stake by rowdy villagers for being a witch in 1994.

Another medium for hi-fi's is a device originally known as the OPC (Ooooooh Pretty Colours) but later renamed the CD (Coloured Disc), so called because when you hold it up to the light you see a shimmering array of colours on it's surface. This technology works through a system in which a wizard magically imprisons a rainbow into a piece of plastic and sings the words he telepathically receives from Zoroen the All powerful destroyer of souls.(esq.). OBE.


How to fix it.

Hi-fi's frequently go wrong and need repairs. The most common problem with hi-fi's is that they can often explode into a raging inferno of flames. Should this event occur, follow the following selection of easy to follow instructions:

  1. Tip a bucket of water onto the flames. Make sure that it is water-based water because of the nature of an electrical fire.
  2. Remove the scorched plastic cover with a hammer.
  3. Buy a new plastic cover.
  4. Glue it on.


THE DVD PLAYER: 


What is a DVD Player?


The DVD was invented many years ago, we don't know exactly which year but it was about 6 months before the CD was invented.

A time traveller named Dr. Smith (Timelords had rubbish names in those days), had travelled forward 7 months into the future to collect a morning newspaper.  Partly because he was a slow reader and partly because he had a Company Tardis, and had to keep the milleage up to avoid hefty tax bills.  On his was back to his time machine he got one of those new fangled CDs stuuck to the bottom of his shoe.  (Note- The "Fangled" version of the CD was not available then, only the standard version, but the Fangled edition had been dropped there when it got stuck to the shoe of another Timelord, named Colin. ) 

Dr. Smith got back to his own time, well actually 1 day before his own time because he wanted to visit his earlier self to freak him out.  He discovered the CD stuck to the bottom of his shoe.  Disappointed that the CD only produced audio, he drew pictures all over it in crayon.  And thus was born the DVD.


THE TELEVISION:


What is a Television (I can't believe you asked that questioned) :


A television is a glowing box used to watch baywatch. The television is contained in yet another black plastic box. The person who owns the patent to black plastic boxes must be making a fortune!


History of the TV and how it works:

TV's grow naturally in south America on trees known by the natives as Kwula-nalas. They are harvested by the locals and shipped to Japan where they are tamed and fed nutritiously before being skinned and placed in black plastic boxes. These boxes are then put into boxes and shipped to the US and Britain.

The only component which can not be found naturally is the remote control. These were invented when someone discovered that the phaser from a 1960's episode of Star Trek actually changed the channel on TV's when fired at them. These phasers are now extensively cloned using the DNA from Kirk's original phaser.

All TV's work by having several little people inside them with a veriety of different wigs and costumes at their disposal. When a TV is switched on the little people received scripts for the show that is currently showing via radio waves. These scripts are displayed on little TV's so the little people can read them and know what they are meant to be saying and doing.


Repairing TV's:

Dial 0171 453757 and ask for Keith. He will then tell you he can't do anything before Thursday at the earliest, possibly, and it will cost you 40 quid.


THE VIDEO RECORDER:


What is a video recorder?


The video recorder was constructed by the man who originally invented the flick book. Each video recorder contains a squirrel like creature, known as an Integrated Circuitry Relational System, which draws pictures on a tape very quickly during the recording process. When it comes to playback the squirrel like creature copies each picture onto a brick and throws it to the little people in the television.


History of the Video Recorder:

VCRs could become harder to procure in the near future due to many governments clamping down on surrogate mothering. A sperm created from a frogs DNA is used to artificially inseminate an ovum extracted from a ten-million year old hippo encased in amber. This is then put into the womb of a woman named Doris in Dorset, England, and a 15 year pregnancy follows after which a lovely new born video recorder is born into the world, at which point it is raised by llamas in Aberdeen.


Repairing VCRs.

Fix it or buy a new one. Replacement squirrels can be biologically engineered by rabbits and purchased from your local hardware store. I is possible to use squirrels abducted from your garden but they must go through a rigorous 17 year training program first.


THE BIRO:


The history of the Biro and how it works:


The Biro was invented by Albert Einstein. It operated using a complicated electronic logic system which incorporates a complex system of printed silicon circuit boards, transistors, capacitors and micro-processors calculating the theory of relativity. These complicated electronics are used to induce a thermo-necluar reaction inside a uranium plated nuclear fusion reactor. The energy created is used to heat a potassium-nitro-gluatate compound known as ink to 495oC before it is cooled to absolute zero (-2730C) and injected onto the paper using avionic jet propulsion and gravity


Repairing a Biro:

You cannot repair a biro, any breach of the reactor could level several counties in a blinding meltdown. Do not remove the cover, no user serviceable parts inside. If the reactor wall is breached then unfortunately this will invalidate the manufacturer's warranty


THE FRIDGE:


What is a Fridge?


A fridge is an area of temperal time and space, which can be controlled to be at a lower level of temperature than the out lying temperal space situated around it, ie. "Not in the fridge" as the old saying goes. It is used for the storage of perisable food and person/people you do not like.


The History of the Fridge and How it Works
Fridges were first developed by Eskimos, but had to be significantly redesigned for export, the problem being that the Eskimo version consisted solely of a cardboard box and tended to freeze things. The fridge was first discovered by the outside world when Bert Zanussi, who was heading for the north pole in search of new cooking appliances, stumbled accross it in an igloo. He loved the idea, and, after a few minor alterations, it was ready for inclusion into the Zanussi range.

As you have read, the original fridge worked through the implementation of a scientific process know as "Being in a cold place", and thus Bert was presented with a problem he had neglected to forsee; "How do you keep something cold outside of a cold place?".

He overcame this problem by harnessing the power of the ice-fairies. By placing two ice faries, armed with cricket bats, into a cardboard box, the warm air particles would be allowed to leave where as the cold ones would get clobbered if they tried to.

Bert then set about the problem of asthetics. He fitted every fridge with a set of wire shelves that things could fall fall through and a clear plastic draw, into which people could put vegetable they wanted to see rot in there for eternity if they so wished. He also did a big favour for banana shaped fridge door magnet manufacturers who had been having two problems; 1) They were having trouble developing banana shaped fridge door magnets that would stick to cardboard boxes, and 2)There was no such thing as a fridge. Bert solved the latter by discovering the fridge. The former he solved by fitting every fridge with a cast iron lid, then turning the fridge on it's side so that the lid became a door! Bert Zanussi was very brainy.


Repairing a Fridge
If your fridge begins to malfunction, try giving the ice-fairies steroid injections and linseed oil for their cricket bats. If this approach fails to work then replacement ice-fairies can be purchased from your local hardware store and are normally found in the VCR squirrel isle.


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